From Pleasantville To Chaos: The Day That Changed Everything

Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast

Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.

It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!

What To Expect In This Episode

What happens when the relationship you thought was solid suddenly implodes? My parents' divorce revealed I'd been sleepwalking through life, completely unprepared for real relationships. This episode breaks down how I went from sheltered and clueless to understanding what actually makes relationships work—and why most of us are never taught these crucial skills.

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EP 24: From Pleasantville to Chaos: The Day That Changed Everything

Flashback: Evening—June 2003

Safe to say, the day had already been a rocky one. I was late for my shift at CVS and earlier that day had been pulled over by a cop for speeding to try to get to work on time. I was 16 1/2 and this was the first time I had ever been pulled over. It was nerve-racking, especially because I was worried about how my overprotective parents would react when they found out.

Nevertheless, I made it through my work shift and at 10pm, got in my car to head home.

When I arrived home, most of the lights were already off in our house, but my brother’s bedroom light was still on. I opened the front door, and there he was, waiting for me.

He had a strange look on his face—I’d never seen him look that way before. He was only 13.

Within seconds of me entering the house, he unloaded the news that our mother had taken him aside earlier that evening and told him that she was going to be splitting up with our father.

My jaw dropped—stunned, I was unable to reply initially.

When words finally started to flow again, I asked him how Dad had reacted to this.

“He doesn’t know”, was the reply

I couldn’t believe that..

When was she going to tell him?

Why tell your kids first?

The questions just wouldn’t stop racing..

After calling a close friend to vent and calm down, I managed to go to bed. I am still surprised that I was able to get some sleep that night.

The next morning, I awoke immediately with an unsettled feeling. For a moment, it seemed like it had all been a dream

But I knew very well what had happened last night.

The future was unavoidable.

I got out of bed, washed my face, and made my way downstairs to the living room.

I have a strong memory descending those stairs, not knowing what I would find at the bottom. A part of me was terrified, but I knew I couldn’t just trap myself upstairs forever.

As I hit the last stair and turned the corner, The living room became visible and I saw my father sitting in his recliner, alone, looking down at the morning paper.

He looked up at me..

Shit… I thought.

Suddenly a huge smile came across his face.

“Good morning son! How did you sleep?”

My mouth opened a crack, shocked…

He still doesn’t know…

“Fine” I managed to get out.

This all just seemed so wrong…

To this day, I still can’t get my Dad’s smile out of my head.

Who would have thought that a smile could be one of those haunting memories that lingers…

It’s just that I knew the hammer was going to drop some point soon

My memory is a bit foggy here but within the next day or two, I remember us all sitting down as a family and my mom broke the news to my dad.

She did it in front of my brother and I to try to lessen the reaction from my dad.

It seemed to work to some degree, but I remember my father being totally shocked, as if he had no idea this was coming.

My dad was completely blindsided; it was terrifying to see him in this state.

What followed consisted of many arguments between my parents

We tried to sit down as a family and talk it out, but they were always too emotional and it ended up in a fight.

My mom wanted the divorce and wanted my father to leave the house and get an apartment.

She said she would continue to take care of us

My dad disagreed saying “You’re a workaholic, and you will put no time into these kids. You will not be able to prepare them for the real world.”

Given the circumstances… He wasn’t wrong…

“I’m not leaving”, he said. “If you want the divorce, you should leave”

The arguments continued and neither one of them would back down. The trauma was rising in our household like the ocean tide.

Then one day, something happened that surprised all of us.

We were sitting in the living room having our usual “family talk” and my parents had started going at each other’s throats again.

“Here we go again”, I thought.

All of a sudden, my brother broke the silence with an outburst.

“Stop”, he said.

Silence fell in the living room. He looked at my mother

“If you want the divorce, you leave.” He was only 14 here.

My mom looked at him stunned, 10 seconds of silence followed.

“You want me to leave?” She said.

“Yes, I want you to leave this house”

That did it… She was completely broken and had no choice but to agree.

Shortly after, my mom rented an apartment somewhat nearby and we would visit once / week, have dinner, and catch up.

A few weeks after she moved in, she called and said she had a new boyfriend and wanted us to meet him.

“Already?” I thought. It all just seemed so fast… How could you have already gone out in the dating world in just a few weeks and found someone?

Well… We met him.

Neither of us liked him. He was 10 years younger, cocky, and had a smirk on his face all the time.

My dad was still broken and didn’t come out of his newfound depression for 4 years.

I was lucky because I went off to college the following year.

But my brother, was not so lucky.

He was trapped in a house with my depressed father for 3 more years, and I think that really damaged him. We never talked about it.

My dad would say things to me like “I noticed your mom had new lingerie that she purchased in her closet, but I never saw any of it.

As he processed further, he began to put the pieces together.

There were high odds that my mom had an affair, although it was never admitted.

I have to give my dad credit, he did the best he could not to “bad mouth” our mother after the event. He told us he didn’t want this to impact the relationship we had with our mother. I could see how hurt he was and how difficult it was for him but he was almost able to completely stick to his word here. He only slipped up a couple of times.

One time he told us that he noticed that she was unusually on the phone with her sister, who was my absolute favorite aunt.

This aunt was also my Godmother and had given both my brother and I everything we ever wanted since the day we were born. She spoiled us rotten, was always in a good mood around us, and we loved being around her because of it.

Little did we know, she was an absolute terror with he r own children and bumped heads with a lot of family members. Talk about a light and dark side.

My dad believed that this aunt was the one feeding my mom info and ultimately was the one who gave her the courage to go ahead with the divorce.

Knowing my mom, this was not a major decisions that she would have been able to make on her own. My aunt on the other hand? Had 2 failed marriages under her belt. Both her her 2 kids were from different fathers. Where are the father’s now? Completely disappeared, no story, no info, just gone.

The truth had shattered the bubble and the happy go lucky relationship with this aunt began to come to a close.

But I still wanted to know if my mom had the affair.

I remember one day in college, I was 19 now, and on the phone with my mom long distance.

I decided to ask her

“I need to know whether or not you had an affair leading up to this divorce. If you tell me the truth, I will be able to forgive you, but if you lie to me, I will know, and I will never speak to you again”, I said to her.

This memory is imprinted in my mind like a brand stamp.

I remember 10 seconds of silence on the other end, and then she answered…

“I didn’t”.

It felt like a lie. Why wait so long to answer? If you didn’t do it, why not just say so.

She was weighing her options.

She chose to try to outsmart her son, and save herself.

I didn’t react or have an outburst on the phone that night… But I knew…

Fast forward, I didn’t have the heart to cut her off and never speak to her again.

But boy did I carry a lot of trauma and that heavy weight in the years that followed.

I got into acting and learned how to express myself and open up my mind.

That helped a lot, but the pain still lingered.

10 years later I remember sitting down with my mom for a lunch, just she and I.

I decided to share something with her.

“I just want you to know, that back when that divorce happened, it was incredibly traumatic for my brother and I. We really went through a lot then and I don’t think we’re completely healed from it, even today.”

She looked shocked from the other side of the table.

“Why was it traumatic for you? You weren’t the one who got divorced”, she said.

It was at that moment that I began to realize my parents had no idea how to express empathy or put themselves in the shoes of another.

Even further down the road last year, I remember having a conversation with her and asking about empathy.

“If someone is going through something that I’ve been through, I can be empathetic”, she said.

That was an interesting response because it shows that if she hasn’t experienced it herself, she can’t express genuine empathy

If I’m being honest, I still haven’t been able to forgive her completely. In the last year, I’ve made a lot of progress with books, support groups, and recently signed up for therapy.

But the pain still lingers—and I know it’s inside my brother too.

My brother has always been incredibly perceptive and one day he said:

“Our mother is incredibly selfish and wants us to fail”

I couldn’t believe that. But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense.

When others aren’t able to make their dreams a reality and live the life they want, they become envious when others in their close circle make progress.

My mom struggled with this a lot and it makes complete sense how she wouldn’t want us to achieve anything that she hadn’t yet.

Why?

Because it reminds her that she wasn’t able to do it and it hurts more to see others succeeding in places you couldn’t.

Today, I have a limited relationship with my mom.

There’s so much more I could share and our connection could be so much deeper, but I’ve recently realized that everyone has limitations and there are just certain things you can’t talk to people about.

If you try to force them, it ends up in circles and leads to loads of suffering

If you try to be honest and they can’t handle it, they will put up a brick wall in defense, and the conversation will go nowhere

If they don’t want to learn and explore, you can’t force them to.

So in order to preserve my mental health, I have accepted the limitations of this relationship which include:

• Very little or no negative updates

• No emotionally heavy topics

• Mostly surface level talk: weather, food, trips

• Neutral or positive updates only

I still notice her trying to project her fear onto my positive moments, because that’s how she lives in her own mind. But instead of getting offended that “she doesn’t support me”, I now understand her capabilities and limitations.

Since this whole event happened nearly 25 years ago, I couldn’t help but accept the difficult truth that I had no idea what a healthy relationship was, how to create one, and how to keep it once created.

This became my life interest— To understand myself, my own needs, and the needs of others. I wanted to know how to create a strong, reliable connection with my future partner so that my relationship would not meet the same fate.

The difficult truth is:

There’s no 100% guarantee that divorce can be prevented.

But what you can do is learn how to communicate effectively, and often with your partner to ensure that both of your needs are met, and you’re both on the same page with the path that the life you’re building together is on.

I’m proud to say that the work paid off and I have a strong relationship with my wife that even impresses my parents at this point. They don’t truly understand all the mechanics of how I did it, but I do and that’s all that matters.

Now, I help others improve the relationship they have with themselves, cultivate self-love, and show them the most important things to work on to create healthy, thriving relationships with the friends around them, and their romantic partners. I also understand how difficult some relationships can be with family, and help with setting appropriate boundaries so you can have the best connections possible with them.

If you have a story to share, but don’t know who to tell, I’d love to offer a listening ear and hold space for you. You can message me below and we’ll just talk. No nudging, no commitment, just a place to sit and let it all out.

THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.

I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!

A happy week to you all!

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