It’s Okay to Feel Like Shit During the Holidays
What no one talks about when everyone else is celebrating
My grandfather died on Christmas Eve. That day was forever changed for our family. My parents got divorced, splitting apart the celebrations we used to host together. People stopped speaking to each other after raging arguments, forcing their children to pick sides.
I’m writing this for the people who need to hear it: it’s okay to feel like shit around the holidays.
This time of year is supposed to be a happy time—joy and presence, family gatherings, good food, and all this stuff. And sometimes it is. Sometimes parts of it are.
But underneath all that are the experiences no one is talking about.
The heavy emotions that come up for people around this time. The guilt, the grief, the anger. The internal feeling that you’re sick of pretending that everything is just fine.
Because it isn’t fine.
A lot of us are part of broken families that were destroyed. These times of year remind us of wounded battlefields where some of the worst memories come up.
Many of us have difficult situations that have happened in our families. The holidays are not as we remember them. Or maybe they never were memorable. And so it hurts when everyone just decides not to talk about these things, and put a smile on, and just act like everything’s fine. When, in reality, it isn’t.
You see certain people becoming distant around this time. Sometimes it’s even your immediate family that, all of a sudden, becomes unavailable as a holiday approaches. That person is experiencing heavy emotions in a difficult time, and they don’t want to talk about it. They don’t even know where they would begin, or if there’s anyone in their life they can talk to about it.
So they just pretend it doesn’t exist, or they numb it with substances and medication, and ultimately silence, until the day passes and they come out of their hibernation cave and act like nothing happened.
This is the theme I see recurring in my family year after year. It’s also the theme that I myself experience and also pretend like nothing is wrong because everybody else pretends nothing is wrong. I think to myself, “Well, even if I tried to share something like this, everybody would just deny it and pretend like it doesn’t exist.”
But I know too well that it does exist, and these emotions impact a lot of people around the globe.
You are the ones I’m writing this for.
You Are Not Alone
You are seen during this time, and you’re not alone.
What you are feeling is not only common, but normal. Because it’s the truth that’s going on inside of you, and it shouldn’t be suppressed. It should be heard.
Now that someone is calling it out, hopefully you’ll feel comfortable with what you’re feeling, instead of thinking that there’s something wrong with you, or that everybody else’s life is perfect, or that everyone else is enjoying their Christmas cheer because their Insta stories are filled with buffet tables of food and over-decorated Christmas trees—all the visual effects that these emotions of sorrow, anger, grief, and shame are hiding underneath.
The truth is, the holidays bring up amazing memories, but they also bring up really shitty feelings for people.
It’s unfortunate that the majority of us don’t live in a society where we can talk about that openly and have others hold space for us as we share what happened to us and our feelings, and why we don’t particularly like this time of year. Many of us actually look forward to it ending so that we can go on with our lives and not have this gigantic weight of stress, guilt, anger, and sadness hovering over us.
Many of us feel alone during the holidays. Many of us feel that we aren’t having the celebrations that we should have and that we think everyone else is having. Because no one talks about it, we feel like we’re the only ones who this happens to.
But that’s actually not true.
I would go as far as to say that the majority of people feel this way in one way or another.
For many years, I wasn’t even fully conscious of these feelings because my nervous system would immediately numb them, either with distractions, food, or other drugs and substances. It didn’t want me to torture myself through this time. So for many years, I almost unconsciously numbed my way through these holidays because of the overwhelming amount of bad memories and shame and guilt that came up.
The Pressure to “Do It Right”
Society puts a lot of pressure on you to “do it right.” The pressure is overwhelming. And most people aren’t even aware that society puts that pressure on us.
Other people put that pressure on us when they say:
“You’re not celebrating this year?
You didn’t book a restaurant for this occasion?
You’re not having a home-cooked dinner?
You don’t have a family that’s together?”
These judgments and accusations make us feel guilt and shame because we didn’t partake in what society tells us to do on these holidays to “have a good time.”
The truth is, very few people have a family that’s together. Most families don’t know how to express their emotions. In fact, they avoid that very topic and just numb themselves through it, like I did for so many years. Everything just gets swept under the rug, and no one ever talks about it. Most people don’t even work through it—they just subconsciously keep numbing, getting through, getting by, and never accepting that there’s a problem.
What I Do Now
After so many years of suffering through these times of year and being guilt-tripped by my family to do this and that, exchange gifts, and call this person and that person, now I live under one simple rule:
Stop doing shit you don’t want to do. And stop feeling guilty for it.
Don’t worry about being judged by it, because the very people who are judging you are the people who don’t have things under control and don’t understand what’s really going on. Which, in my book, means that their opinion is irrelevant. These are the very people you can’t talk to about these things. You can’t explain your situation to. And if you try to, you will just end up digging the hole deeper for yourself.
I tried all too many years to be vulnerable and open up, and let family members know that our family was in danger of declining, and we no longer celebrated in a close-knit group, and people were falling away slowly, year after year. The fact is, no one really cared. No one could do anything about it.
So it was left with me, after a decade of watching this happen, to just accept what has happened, but also to know that I can do things differently for myself, because I’m the only person that I can change.
I can rewrite this holiday story so that I don’t have to relive this nightmare every single holiday because of what happened in my family and in my life.
I can instead take care of myself. I can support myself. I can think about what it really is like to spend this time doing the things that I want to do, even if it isn’t socially acceptable. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if people get wind of it and judge it openly. At least I will have that self-respect for myself, that I spent this holiday doing something that made sense to me.
You Can Do The Same
Take extra special care of yourself through this time.
Really think about if you want to do things before you commit to them. Really be honest with yourself on how you really want to spend your holiday and who that is going to involve.
It may just be with yourself. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Being able to be in your own good company is not only a blessing, it’s a privilege, because you can do whatever you want when you’re with yourself.
You are seen.
You are not alone.
What you’re feeling matters.
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Great post. It took a few holidays and when I learned to enjoy them by myself, I felt free. The Christmas it snowed in town and I took my cross country skis out and skied across the walking bridge over the river as soft flakes drifted down and it was so quiet and peaceful is one I loved and will not forget…Places are more quiet on holidays and that can be a gift if one takes advantage and savors it. Plus you are so right. All families have issues and the nirvana we grew up seeing in movies is just that. True love and care comes with safety and vulnerability and those qualities are both learned nourished, and rare. It is not that people don’t want them or try…but that the true capacity to listen and be with others without trying to fix them is not something most of us grow up with or see modeled. But it is changing and that will help all our families as will learning to be happy in one’s own skin holiday or not.
Terra! That sounds like such a lovely way to spend a holiday. I know those free, simple ways of celebrating very well. The first Christmas where I felt free was when I decided to take a trip to San Diego by myself in 2017. I spent it walking around the parks, shopping in Little Italy, and Having Indian food filled with gratitude. I love how you mentioned being able to allow people to feel their feelings and truly listen to support others. I can tell you've done some real work to get to that point because we're definitely not raised in that sense. I agree that these things change with people like yourself who step up and really get to the bottom of what is happening. That's how good example is set for all of us. Wishing you a great one.