Stop Performing for an Audience That Doesn't Matter

An evolutionary bug is running your entire life. Time to fix it.

I once spent three hours rewriting a simple email because I was terrified of how it would land. Three hours. For an email that took 10 minutes to write.

That’s the tax we pay when we care too much about what others think.

We spend our entire lives doing this. Waiting for someone else’s approval to prove to us that we’re good enough. Searching to be noticed so that we can finally believe we matter.

But has anyone stopped to think why this matters so much to us?

It’s An Evolved Trait From Our Past

The short version is that we evolved with this trait back from tribal times. Society was incredibly small. If you got a bad rep for doing something, it was detrimental to your survival. You were outcast from the group, and sometimes even killed.

Back then, your reputation mattered. The fear was totally justified.

Nowadays? It’s way overexaggerated.

Today, if you piss someone off online or in person, there’s almost zero chance your reputation will be destroyed worldwide.

Piss off your friend group? Those aren’t the only people on the planet. It’s easy to meet other people and establish another circle if you’re open to it.

Piss someone off online? They’re 1 out of billions. Even if they’re famous, they still can’t exile you from the rest of the world.

Realizing this fear is grossly exaggerated is the first step at minimizing its power.

The Test

The second step? See what happens when you actually piss someone off or get a hate comment.

You’ll realize: you’re still here. Nothing really happened. There was no real threat.

The more that happens and the more you realize that, the more okay you’ll be with putting yourself out there.

It’s like diving into a cold plunge. You think it’s going to be impossible, awful even. But when you do it the first time you realize you survived. That means you can do it again... and again. Each time it becomes easier.

The only risk you really have to take is being willing to be disliked. And when that shows up, just realize—you’re still here.

The Deeper Problem

Here’s what’s really happening: you’ll never be free if you need others’ approval.

Why would you outsource your sense of worth to people who are just as confused and flawed as anyone else?

Think about it. You know your intentions. You know your character. You know the full story of your life. But some random person who saw a 10-second clip of you gets to be the judge? And you’ll believe them over yourself?

Marcus Aurelius, a Roman emperor writing 2,000 years ago, noticed the same thing:

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.”

Nothing’s changed.

The Real Cost

When you care too much about what others think, you stop making decisions based on what’s actually right or what you genuinely want. You start performing. You calculate every move: “Will this impress them? Will they approve?”

You become a puppet, and other people’s opinions are pulling the strings.

And for what? Most people’s opinions aren’t even carefully though tout. They’re initial anxious reactions based on their own insecurities and whatever mood they’re in that day.

So you’re literally changing your life based on someone else’s random, unexamined thoughts.

You Don’t Realize How Much You’re Missing Out On

Here’s the stuff nobody talks about:

You don’t take that job you’re excited about because it’s not “prestigious” enough for others.

You stay in relationships that died years ago because breaking up means people will ask questions.

You kill the business idea before it starts because “what if people think it’s stupid?”

You never share your actual thoughts, so nobody really knows you—which means you’re lonely even when you’re surrounded by people.

You perform a character instead of being a person. And after years of this, you forget who you even are underneath the performance.

That’s the real price. Not just wasted time or mental energy—you lose yourself. You become a collection of other people’s expectations walking around in your body.

And the sickest part? Most of those people aren’t even paying attention. They’re too busy worrying about what you think of them.

The Freedom

Here’s what happens when you stop needing praise:

You do things because they’re worth doing, not because someone might notice.

You take risks you’ve been avoiding.

You say what you actually think instead of what’s safe.

You stop second-guessing every decision.

You get your life back.

Marcus said: “How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy.”

Imagine how much mental energy you’d have if you weren’t constantly running approval calculations in your head. All that energy could go toward actually building something real.

The Bottom Line

Praise is nice. I’m not saying become an asshole or stop appreciating recognition.

But making it your goal? Making it your measure of whether you matter?

That’s giving away your power.

The person you need approval from is you. Be able to look yourself in the mirror and know you did something good, something real, something true to who you are.

Because at the end of the day, everyone else will forget. Even the people who praised you today will move on tomorrow.

But you? You’ll still be living with yourself.

Make sure that person is someone you respect.