The Brutal Truth My Brother Told Me That I'll Never Forget
One conversation made me question everything I thought I knew about myself.
Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Tuesday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
EP 31: The Brutal Truth My Brother Told Me That I’ll Never Forget
I’d like to open this podcast episode by sharing a true story from my life—one that forced me to do some deep inner work to better understand myself. Once I did this work, I realized how important it is to analyze your childhood so you can understand how you grew up and why you act the way you do.
Going back to those early events as an adult helps you uncover the “operating system” behind who you’ve become. The truth is, we can’t change something at a core level if we don’t first understand it. Yet most of us breeze through adulthood only recalling certain childhood memories while blocking out others.
In this episode, I’m not going to share my full childhood analysis—it’s too long—but I will share an important excerpt that revealed how I became the ultimate people-pleaser.
Let’s begin with the story.
From a very young age—13, to be exact—I put other people first. I would push myself physically and emotionally to help others, often to the point of exhaustion, just to earn their praise. Everyone saw me as generous, kind, even saintly. I came to believe that identity.
One day, in 2016 my brother went on a retreat to India to study Eastern culture and the foundational teachings of Hinduism. After 30 days, I picked him up at the Los Angeles airport and could hardly recognize him: he was wearing a rainbow-colored Sherpa, matching pants, and layers of mala beads around his neck.
He got into the car without saying a word. I asked, “How was your trip?”
“It was enlightening,” was all he said about it.
As we continued driving home, I noticed that he didn’t feel the need for small talk. I found that interesting but also a little uncomfortable.
Back at my apartment, we began to talk a little more and started discussing deeper aspects of the human psyche and why people do what they do.
We were talking about my friends and all the people I’ve helped over the years. I told him that it was a lot of work helping all these people and tiring at times, but it was worth it.
This brought him to say something to me that completely shattered my world:
He looked at me and said:
"When you help all these people around you, you think you’re being selfless, but honestly, you're doing it because of what you get out of it—not because you truly care about them."
I couldn’t believe it. My identity felt like it was suddenly under attack. I jumped into fight or flight mode to defend myself and started to argue.
“But I actually help people. I order coffee online for an older neighbor who doesn’t know how to use a computer. I paint closets for friends, fix their printers, vacuum their cars—whatever they need.”
He stayed calm and said,
“I understand. But are you really helping them? Or are you enabling them to rely on you? And do you even enjoy doing it?”
Something hit me at that moment. The truth was, no—I didn’t enjoy the actual tasks. What I enjoyed was the praise that followed because it made me feel good about myself.
That realization infuriated me. I threw him out of my apartment and drove him to a hotel. We didn’t speak for six months. I told myself he was brainwashed by Eastern philosophy and dismissed everything he said.
But over time, his words sank in. I began to see that my need to help was a survival mechanism. As a kid, I was often ignored, made fun of, and left out of group projects because others didn’t think I was good enough to take part in them. This brought about a desperation to add value to others to that they would notice me and see me as “useful”. I wanted to be included. I never wanted to be alone. The thought of being undesirable—or worse, alone—terrified me.
So I made myself indispensable. If someone asked me for help with something I didn’t know how to do, I would learn it just to “save” them from that problem. I rarely said no, thinking that if I did, they’d stop calling. Despite the praise I received, I ended up hating myself inside. My goals always came last. Theirs came first. And I never felt like it was worth it in the end.
I even attached myself to successful people, hoping they’d see my skills and bring me along. It never worked. Deep down, I didn’t believe I was strong enough to do anything worthy on my own.
Looking back, I now see that my brother’s words—though harsh—were some of the most valuable advice I’ve ever received. They forced me to face who I had become and do the work to change. I know that this advice could have been given to me in a better way, but we can’t always control how things happen and it’s our choice in the end how we want to perceive the things that happen in ourl ives.
Today, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I can work alone on projects I believe in. I can say no—even to people I love—and trust that I’ll still be okay. I’ve learned that relationships may shift, difficulties may arise, but putting my personal growth first is what allows me to impact others in the best way possible.
I never thought this would feel as good as it does now. I always thought I’d feel guilty and punish myself consistently for not doing everything that was asked of me. I now know that this was just the voice of that survival mechanism. That little boy inside of me who was afraid of being cast out for saying no. That was a very real time in my life, and the work im doing now allows me to have a conversation with that little boy when doubts like this come up. I can hear him out, and ensure him that he is safe and supported. I use my life experience and knowledge as an adult to console him as a warm parent would, and this has proven to be incredibly effective at healing childhood wounds and building more trust in my life.
This is the work that is unspoken of most times. This is the work that is truly life changing and vitally important for most people. Your circumstances may not be the same as mine, but this type of work is what actually heals these wounds for good.
Ultimately, this work has brought me peace. It’s given me the freedom to satisfy my soul while showing up for others in a healthier, more authentic way. I truly never thought I’d be able to feel this free in my own skin without drugs, substances, or medications. I now know that it’s very possible.
My personal experience has allowed me to help coach other people in doing this work. Most are not even taught where to begin, and I’ve found I can help share and guide others with what has worked for me. Ultimately, the time they spend doing the work is their own, but what I can offer is a path forward to help them heal.
If you’re interested in talking more about this kind of work or a situation you’re in, my messages are always open to you.
As always, if you need clarification on anything or have additional questions, my door and DMS are always open. You can also visit my website by clicking the photo below. Substack subscribers get 20% off all my services for a limited time. DM me to get that discount.
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Tuesday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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