Why Is Marriage So Hard?
3 Common Mistakes That Lead to Divorce (And How to Avoid Them)
I’ve been studying marriage and relationships for the last 20 years.
In fact, it was my parents’ divorce 20 years ago that led me into making this my life’s work.
I wanted to understand why the divorce rate is over 40%—where are people going wrong with their relationships?
Why did older generations seem to have stronger marriages than we do today?
Here’s what I discovered: the older generation didn’t necessarily have better relationship skills—they just had the willingness to set stronger principles and stick to their commitments, even when things got hard.
They believed in their agreements and responsibilities more than people do today.
I’ve learned a lot since my parents split up, and now as a happily married man, I’m consistently working on making my marriage even stronger.
Over the years, I’ve observed the common marriage problems that weaken or even destroy romantic partnerships.
I analyzed why those relationships failed, and decided to make different choices with mine.
I still didn’t do everything perfectly. But being willing to compromise, make changes, and communicate properly has built a lot of trust in my marriage.
My wife knows that I’m willing to work at things and improve, and that speaks volumes when it comes to building a healthy relationship.
In this essay, I’ll be sharing the biggest mistakes I see couples making that lead to serious marital issues—and what you can do differently.
Here’s the first one—and it might surprise you.
1. Most People Don’t Understand What They’re Really Committing To
Here’s what most people think marriage is: You’ve done it—mission accomplished. Now you can kick back, stop trying so hard, and just... exist together.
But that’s exactly where marriage starts to die.
The truth? Getting married is only the beginning of upholding your vows and accepting the lifelong journey of improving yourself so the relationship improves.
Being able and willing to grow and heal alongside your partner is part of what makes marriage so beautiful—but most people don’t prepare for this reality.
Let’s talk about vows for a second.
Think back to any wedding you’ve attended. How many people do you think are actually paying attention to what they’re saying up there?
In my experience, most people are incredibly nervous—spiraling out of control trying to “survive” in front of their audience. They’re just trying to get through the ceremony without breaking down.
And afterwards? How many people take the time to read over their vows and really think about what they’re committing to?
Do they really understand that they’re committing to spending the rest of their life with someone? Through it all?
Through the possibility of grave illness, addiction, disease, a potential horrific accident?
Have they really processed that they’re willing to work through these incredible challenges if something like this happens?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: More often than not, one of these big events will occur in a lifetime. Marriage usually isn’t just a smooth ride where the ship sails off to paradise on a sea of glass.
Pro Tip: To do better than most here, really take some time to sit down with yourself and think about what you’re committing to. If any fears come up during this time, you can strengthen your relationship immediately by being honest and discussing them with your partner.
Think about it this way: if you can’t talk about things honestly now, what makes you think things will magically change in the future?
You may as well test your relationship before you get married and make sure you both can handle honest conversation.
Keeping secrets almost always ends badly.
2. Nobody Warns You About What Happens After the Wedding
This is where most marriages start falling apart—and nobody sees it coming.
After your wedding, if you think you can just kick back, sit on the couch, work less, and let yourself go, here’s what usually happens:
Like anything else that’s neglected, things begin to get messy.
Leave a garden unkempt? Weeds grow, bugs feast on the produce, and the garden dries up.
Stop going to the gym? Your body slowly begins to shut down, you get more out of shape, and have less energy.
Stop calling a friend? The connection becomes distant, stranger-like, hollow.
The same thing happens with a marriage.
If you neglect it and think you’re protected from the other person leaving because you’ve made things official and have a ring on your finger, you’re putting everything at risk right at the beginning.
That’s exactly what happened with my parents.
They didn’t give up in life—in fact, they excelled in their businesses.
But burnout, distractions, and familiar routines caused them to slowly give up on their relationship. The connection they had with each other began to erode.
They stopped communicating. Stopped spending quality time with one another. Stopped being interested in each other’s lives.
This led to disconnection, which eventually led to a feeling of emptiness that grew in my mom until she finally left.
Here’s something that makes me wonder:
Back 50-70 years ago, I believe more people would have divorced, but it wasn’t as societally acceptable as it is today.
Today’s generation has become more “relaxed” with their commitments. There are tons of socially acceptable excuses nowadays: “I tried everything”, “they just weren’t for me”, “they didn’t want to change and it just couldn’t work”.
Today’s “healing culture” is all about independently feeling good—and anything that makes you feel bad, even for a second, can be dropped like a dime in the name of “preserving your peace”.
Don’t get me wrong: in some extreme cases, leaving is absolutely necessary.
But our culture has become soft. A lot of times, we exaggerate issues just like children do.
Due to the fast-paced life we’ve become used to, “working at things” doesn’t seem appealing anymore. We think we can find something easier.
But here’s what they don’t tell you: The next relationship will have its own set of problems. And if you haven’t learned how to work through issues, you’ll just repeat the same patterns.
3. Nobody Actually Knows How to Communicate
This is the skill that can save your marriage—or destroy it.
When I look back on my parents now with the experience I have as an adult, I think they probably could have worked things out.
But communicating was frightening for them, and my mom wasn’t willing to go to couples counseling for the majority of their relationship.
The truth from her actions told me that she thought she could find someone who would be easier to work with than my father.
Spoiler alert: The man she chose after my dad was not able to meet those needs. And many others after him also failed.
A wise friend once told me: when in a relationship, always explore all the angles and make sure you really tried everything before deciding to leave.
If you’ve done that, the break-up should be civil, and even done from a place of compassion and empathy.
If you really tried everything and knew that this wasn’t the right fit, there’s no reason to lash out or get super emotional when you part ways.
But here’s where most people mess up:
We become selfish. And if we take this to the extreme, we become unwilling to compromise.
Compromising is one of the main tools that makes a healthy relationship work in the first place. It’s a way to make both people feel accepted, seen, and respected.
The truth is: you can’t have what you want all the time.
If you think you can, just know that there’s someone on the other side of things quietly suffering.
Real relationship communication isn’t about winning arguments—it’s about understanding each other and finding solutions together.
That’s what separates strong marriages from ones that fall apart.
If you’re interested in checking out the other work I do, please visit my website @ www.relationshipswithasoul.com
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