Why Perfectionists Self-Sabotage After One Bad Choice (And How to Stop)
How to Break All-or-Nothing Thinking and Build Healthy Habits That Actually Last
When you make a mistake or a deliberate bad choice, punishing yourself through self-sabotage only compounds the damage. Instead, recognize that you’re human and imperfect—the whole point is to learn from your mistakes. Understanding why you made the wrong choice and healing in a way that prevents repetition is the real work.
The Perfectionist’s Trap
This has been an ongoing theme in my life as a perfectionist. If I don’t execute my day perfectly—eating fast food or choosing to game and watch TV instead of working on a project—I have a high likelihood of engaging in more self-destructive behaviors that week. Why? Because I feel bad and disappointed in myself for the initial slip-up. I’m a perfectionist.
This pattern stems from a childhood wound. My friend and I used to go to the gym six days a week with strict dietary rules. When we got tempted by comfort food and gave in, we’d look at each other and say, “It’s over,” then proceed to do whatever we wanted. The idea was that we’d already failed our goal, so we might as well indulge in maximum comfort and pleasure. I didn’t realize it then but this was a huge example of self-sabotage.
The Behavior That Followed Me Into Adulthood
When I didn’t execute something perfectly during my day or made a mistake at work, I would intentionally punish myself, because I learned that from childhood.
As a child, If I did something wrong, my parents would send me to my room, take my TV time away, or prevent me from seeing my friends as a way of “persuading” me to make better choices moving forward. I grew up to believe that making mistakes was “wrong” and deserved punishment.
So I would punish myself, in hopes that I would “learn my lesson” and do things the correct way next time.
This behavior remained unmasked throughout most of my adulthood, until one day, I was able to see it for what it was, and decided to create a different belief. This changed everything.
Rewriting the Script
Today, when I have a slip-up—eating something I know isn’t good for me—I choose a different response. Instead of looking down on myself, I enjoy that moment without future punishment. I think, “That was a really good experience. I’m glad I did that. Now I’m going back to a lifestyle that makes me feel good.”
Consider people who go to the gym five to six days a week and have a cheat meal on Sunday. They sit down, enjoy a burger and fries, then return to their regimented schedule. The difference? They understand why they’ve chosen to live healthily. It’s not about forcing or punishing yourself—it’s about genuinely understanding your deeper motivations.
The 60-Year-Old Who Changed My Perspective
I once had a conversation with a 60-year-old roommate on a retreat who had one of the most fit bodies I’d seen at his age, combined with an intelligent mind and grounded presence. Intrigued, I asked how he attained such self-discipline.
He explained that he sat down one day and realized he was making these choices not because they were expected or for social recognition, but because they genuinely made him feel better. He did breathwork and stretching in the mornings, exercised regularly, and ate healthy home-cooked meals—all things he’d discovered made him feel his best and brought out the best in him.
He and his wife have a cheat meal every Sunday. They look forward to it, and doing it once a week doesn’t offset his progress or throw him off balance. Monday rolls around, and he’s right back on his routine.
That conversation inspired me to dig deep into why I do what I do. I encourage you to ask yourself: Why do you want certain healthy habits in your life? What benefit does that bring? When you reflect deeper on the meaning, you’ll maintain these healthier habits instead of cycling through short-term patterns.
Changing Habits from the Root
This framework has helped me recognize my destructive patterns. I realized many of these behaviors originated in childhood. When we’re willing to go back to those moments and find where they first took root, we can change our behaviors from the foundation—that’s how you change habits and patterns effectively.
There was a time I craved heavy comfort food every day: burgers, fries, subs, chicken parmesan. A small part of my brain still whispers, “You’re missing out if you’re not eating this every day.” But that part doesn’t understand the hidden cost.
The consequence? Heavy foods make me sluggish, impatient, and unmotivated. They make it harder to connect with others and show up as my best self because my body is too engaged processing these foods and returning to homeostasis. These foods take longer to digest and transmute into energy.
The 30/80 Trade-Off
Adopting a healthy diet may not be as immediately gratifying when you sit down to eat, but you can cook healthy, delicious meals that satisfy. The real payout comes afterward: mental clarity, sustained energy, and no bloating or physical discomfort.
I now see it this way: If I sacrifice 30% of flavor and initial enjoyment, but receive an 80%+ benefit long-term after eating, that’s a massive gain absolutely worth my time and concentration.
Beyond Food: The Compound Effect of Simple Living
Many decisions follow this same pattern—not just food.
Focusing on sleep quality.
Abstaining from alcohol and drinking more water instead.
Limiting or eliminating caffeine intake.
In my experience, even though these choices seem restrictive in the short run, life actually gets better when you make them. Life becomes easier, more simple, and you have more sustained energy than you would with caffeine.
As we become a more advanced species, we’re discovering the hidden benefits of simple living—especially regarding technology and devices that lead to overstimulation, anxiety, shortened attention spans, and desperation for more and more.
The simple practices—breathing, reading, meditating, walking without stimulation devices—lead to a more fulfilled life long-term. Instead of short bursts of dopamine, we extend that positive feeling for longer periods through simple choices with higher payouts.
Stable Growth Over Volatile Swings
If we measure this with a line graph, instead of a constant up-down-up-down like a seismograph during an earthquake, the line moves steadily upward. Your good choices compound over time into long-term benefit. You won’t experience extreme highs and lows, but rather a stable foundation and presence in your life.
Having lived most of my life as an overstimulated dopamine addict, I can tell you that stability is far more enjoyable.
I encourage you to think about these things:
Do you have a strong enough reason for why you want healthy habits in your life?
Are you willing to change your comfortable routine to feel EVEN better?
Can you accept growing permanently at a steady pace rather than just chasing the next high?
Do you understand how your progress compounds over the course of your life when you get serious?
Let me know what’s cooking for you below.