Don't Get Married For At Least 2 Years: Here's Why
After studying relationships for over 15 years, I share key reasons why it's important to build a strong bond first, and how to do that.
I’ve been absolutely fascinated by relationships and have been studying what makes a strong, lasting connection for the last 15 years.
My motivation?
Thinking my parents had the perfect marriage and then suddenly seeing them get a divorce while I was in my teens.
I wanted to understand why that happened and learn the tools to building a strong relationship so that I minimized my chances of experiencing the same fate
I saw how much pain and suffering my parents went through with their divorce, which was actually pretty civil
My story:
I waited 5 years before proposing to my now wife. It wasn’t easy, and I did feel a lot of pressure to do it sooner. But I really wanted to make sure that I knew her well and that she knew me. Over those 5 years we experienced:
The loss of one of our parents, along with a few other family members
Working through family drama, where family members on both sides resisted our relationship
Financial hardships both with starting new businesses and experiencing the downfall of an older business
Living together with each other, after both of us lived alone for 6 years
Traveling together and experiencing all sorts of challenges from flight cancellations, losing luggage, and juggling our work while on the go.
Having very difficult conversations time and time again about our romantic life, family, friends, money, and future expectations and goals for our relationship
I share this because I feel it’s important for you to know that I’ve walked the talk here and believe that the reason why our relationship is so strong now is because of the work we put in together to work through these things together
Over the years, I’ve noticed that younger generations tend to rush into marriage, and older generations tend to rush into their second or third marriage because they want to “fill that void” quickly from the previous one.
If there’s anything I’ve come to notice from observing relationships in all age brackets, it is that couples are getting married before they’ve had the chance to really KNOW each other. You want to really know your partner well before you commit to spending the rest of your life with them because it’s a much safer bet that you’ll stay together and be able to weather storms that come up.
I see couples all the time rushing into marriage after 6 months, 1 year, 1.5 years. The question you want to ask yourself here is:
Can you really know someone well after 6 months?
How about a year?
Sure, after a year you could argue that you know someone pretty well but then the follow-up question comes in.
Do you know them well enough to make a contract to spend the rest of your life with them? Because essentially that’s what marriage is.
I include this in here because I feel like the majority of people have forgotten what marriage really means and why it’s so powerful.
Why is this?
From my observations, over the years, society has watered down marriage from a sacred lifelong bond into just another trending topic on social media.
This puts pressure on couples to get married faster because the sooner you do it, the sooner you can have:
That big wedding,
That social media post with the ring that everyone dreams about,
A rush of attention in the form of text messages and calls from your network making you feel like a celebrity.
Don’t get me wrong, these are all incredible experiences. I’ve participated in all of them myself and encourage it when the couple is ready. It’s just important to realize when it’s really the right time for this step.
So what does waiting 2 years after your relationship starts do for you?
It allows you to spend ample time with your partner and “test” the relationship with a number of different experiences both good and bad. You want to put the relationship through these tests because a strong resilience means good odds that it will hold up long-term.
What are some things to explore during these 2 years?
Successes and Failures Within The Relationship
Can your relationship handle the success of one or both people in the relationship? What about failure?
Jealousy is a big one in relationships, and it’s good to find out whether or not you feel jealous on days where your partner succeeds and you do not. Do you find you’re happy for them? Or are you envious of their success? Being able to recognize this, talk it through, and work on why this is happening will help both people in the relationship become more supportive of one another.
The same thing comes up with failure. Do you get frustrated when your partner is struggling or vice versa? Exploring why you may feel that way can present a great opportunity to grow, and being able to discuss this with your partner will only make your bond stronger
Family Problems
Can the relationship survive family hardships? (ex: losing a loved one, family drama, a family member or good friend resisting your partner.)
Traveling
What’s it like traveling with your partner? Can you see it working long term or are there things that need to be discussed and worked on first before the ultimate commitment
Bad Habits
Do you know your partners worst habits? Do they know yours? Do you accept these things about your partner or does a conversation need to happen to get you both on the same page?
Living Under The Same Roof
What’s it like living with your partner?
I believe that you should experience living with your partner before marriage. The reason is because you really get to know someone well when you live with them. It’s harder to hide bad days, frustrations, bad habits. Contrary to what most people would prefer, it’s actually a good thing that your partner knows these things about you. If they know and accept all parts of you, this is a good sign that your partnership will work out long term.
Remember: No one is free of bad habits and you WILL find things about your partner that irritate you and piss you off. The key thing to realize is, can I accept this particular behavior in the relationship and be ok with it long-term.
Handling Conflict
How does your partner react to conflict? Can they have emotionally controlled conversations with you without things blowing up in a huge fight? Are they willing to talk to you about things both good and bad?
Communication is one of the most important things in a partnership and it’s good to test those boundaries to see if your partner really is willing to compromise and grow alongside you. Being willing to talk about things means that you’re willing to change, which is an incredibly strong quality to have in a relationship.
Patience leads to prosperity
If you’re willing to take the time to explore these angles within your relationship I can guarantee you that you will be building a strong foundation for your relationship to last long-term, and minimize the risk of divorce when you finally decide to get married.
The truth is:
Marriage shouldn't bring unexpected challenges or surprises. When you truly know your partner and share the same values, marriage should naturally strengthen your bond and reinforce the reasons why you've chosen to spend your lives together.
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