The #1 Mistake Men Make In The Dating World
After decades of lived experience, I've finally cracked the code (With Real Stories To Prove It)
Even though my wife and I agree we’re in the best relationship either of us has ever had, the truth is — for most of my life, I struggled hard with dating.
I watched my parents’ marriage implode out of nowhere when I was a kid.
One day they were the “perfect couple,” and the next, it was done.
That shattered something in me.
I didn’t have my first kiss until almost college.
I didn’t get into a real relationship until after graduation.
Let’s just say I’ve been very motivated to understand how love actually works — and why most of us get it so wrong.
Despite having a decent face, a good body, and what I thought was a great personality...
I got rejected more times than I could count.
In my twenties, I even fell into the whole pickup artist rabbit hole. I read The Game like it held all the secrets.
And yeah — sometimes the tactics worked. But I hated who I became in the process.
Manipulative. Fake. Always performing.
I wasn’t trying to just hook up with women. I was looking for the one.
But instead of showing women who I really was, I was shape-shifting to get their attention.
And deep down, it never felt right.
Now, years later — after building a real relationship, healing my emotional wounds, and doing deep inner work — I can see the number one mistake I (and most men) make that kills attraction dead:
We make ourselves too available.
Here’s 3 real stories to illustrate my point.
The Story Of Why My Mom Fell In Love With My Dad
Even though my parents’ marriage eventually ended, it started out strong — and I now realize why.
My dad grew up surrounded by addiction.
But unlike the rest of his family, he had a vision: to build a better life, get educated, and provide something different for his future.
He was the only one who went to college. He studied engineering with focus, discipline, and direction.
That’s when he met my mom.
He made it clear from the beginning:
“I care about you — but my education comes first.”
And that subtle conviction was what drew my mom in.
She respected it. She admired it. She wanted to be near it.
Later, when he chose to attend graduate school at UNH, he told her he needed space to focus.
He loved her — but his dream came first.
He wasn’t willing to sacrifice the future he was building just to make things easier in the moment.
That decision could’ve ended the relationship.
But instead of clinging, chasing, or crumbling, my mom made her own powerful move.
She got on a plane, flew to him, and said:
“I’ll stand by you. I won’t get in the way. I’m building something too.”
My mom wasn’t just following his dream.
She had one of her own — and she made it happen.
She went on to start a successful business, raise a family, and contribute in a way that was deeply aligned with her purpose too.
That’s the magic: it wasn’t about one person sacrificing for the other.
It was about two people who honored themselves first, and chose to build something real together.
Had my mom not got on that plane, I never would have been born.
Even after their divorce, I’ve watched my mom date other men. And I’ve noticed a pattern:
She always falls hardest for the ones who don’t drop everything for her.
The ones who have a direction. A purpose. A mission of their own.
The Story Of The Waitress Who Wanted Me Because I Was Leaving
After college, I was working at The Cheesecake Factory in Boston — broke, lost, and completely head over heels for this waitress.
She was gorgeous, magnetic, and way out of my league (at least that’s what I believed back then).
I was obsessed with getting her attention.
Any time she texted, I dropped everything.
I went out to bars with her hoping something would shift.
But I was always in the friend zone.
She knew I was available anytime, and that’s exactly why she kept me there.
I watched her hook up with other guys on nights we went out.
And even though we’d share a ride home, I was never the one she chose.
Then everything changed — the night before I was set to move to Los Angeles to pursue my dream of becoming a film actor.
I was at work with her, saying goodbye, when out of nowhere she wrapped her arms around me and said:
“Don’t go. We can try this… just the two of us.”
Then she kissed me — a real, passionate kiss.
The one I’d been chasing for months.
But in that moment, something flipped in me.
I finally realized — she didn’t want me because I changed.
She wanted me because I stopped chasing.
Because for the first time, I was on a mission. I had direction. I was doing something for me.
I stepped back gently and told her:
“I have to go. I need to do this for myself.”
The next morning, I got on that plane to L.A.
We talked a few times after that, but nothing ever came of it.
And honestly — that’s not the point.
The point is: I learned one of the most important lessons of my life.
You don’t attract love by abandoning yourself to get it.
You attract love by committing to yourself first.
The Story Of How Things Finally Clicked With My Wife
Before we started dating, I chased my wife for two and a half years.
I was always there.
Always texting back instantly.
Always offering to fix things or help with errands.
Always saying yes to friend hangouts — hoping that “this time” she’d see me differently.
She liked having me around.
But it was never enough for her to fully commit.
I asked her out a few times.
And every time, the answer was soft… but still no.
Until something in me shifted.
I stopped making her the center of my universe and started focusing on me.
I threw myself into building a business.
I got deep into yoga.
I reconnected with my own energy — and something powerful happened.
Suddenly, I wasn’t always available.
I wasn’t texting back within seconds.
I wasn’t lingering around her place for hours when she invited me over.
Not out of spite. Not to manipulate her.
But because I had something else that deeply mattered to me.
About six months passed.
Then one day, out of nowhere, she texted me asking if I wanted to go to a show with her.
I said yes — but didn’t make a big deal out of it.
After the show, we sat in my car outside her place.
And that’s when she turned to me and said:
“I like you. Something’s shifted.”
The next day, we started dating.
Seven years later, we’re married.
I built up my business. She built one of her own.
We supported each other through it all.
But here’s what I know for sure:
Had I not let go of control and returned to my own mission,
We would have never ended up together.
The Common Denominator
All of these stories — my parents, me chasing the waitress, me chasing my wife, me finally waking up — have one thing in common: when I stopped being “always available” and started being “available by choice,” the energy changed.
When a man is chasing, he shows up hungry for approval, attachment, need. That energy, even though it’s loving, gets felt as pressure, neediness, or desperation.
When a man is on a mission, grounded in his purpose, working on himself, focused on growth, he emanates magnetic calm — and that energy draws people in.
It’s not about playing games. This is about self-respect and making choices that truly honor what you want to do for your own life.
I’m not suggesting to withdraw from women completely. I’m suggesting that you align with a purpose that completely lights you up. That’s what sparks attraction.
The truth is:
You don’t earn love by proving you’re always there.
You earn love by being so rooted in yourself that you show up — with integrity, purpose, and centered energy.
And when you live that way — committed a mission, respecting what your inner voice tells you it wants you to do, and follow that with a sense of self-love— you show up in a way where you’re not depending on someone else’s love to be your anchor. THAT’S what pings a woman’s interest.
Now that you’re on board, where do you go from here?
I obsessed over finding a partner for years. I thought it would complete me. I thought it would set everything else in motion. But what really happened was I denied that inner voice inside that was telling me to work on my projects and stay focused and instead made obsessing over finding a partner my “dream”. Had I known to just trust myself and work on goals that interested me, I would have saved a lot of time and done exponentially better in the dating scene.
If you feel called to stop obsessing over finding the “right” partner, or just chasing women in general, here’s what I’d recommend now that I see things clearly.
Rediscover your mission — What do you want that has nothing to do with dating, approval or validation? Business? Creativity? Fitness? Spiritual growth? Start there.
Value your time and energy — Instead of dropping everything, learn to say “I’m busy,” “I’ll get back to you,” or “Let me check first.” Your unavailability becomes “mysterious” and women like that.
Do your inner work — Healing emotional wounds, insecurities, neediness. When you’re internally healed, you radiate strength, clarity, and grounded energy.
Show up not as a fixer—but as a builder — Build your vision, build your life. If someone connects with that frequency, they’ll want to ride shotgun.
Let attraction come through polarity — Grounded masculine energy + emotionally intelligent presence creates the safe space women want. They want to know they’re choosing someone whose strong enough to chase what they want, and care for them as well.
Connect with Nick:
Yes—great points. Saying thank you and sorry when it actually matters is huge, and expectations around first-date intimacy get overlooked way too often. Availability without attunement doesn’t build connection.
"available by choice." Love this.
I would add that other common mistakes are not saying 'thank you' when appropriate, not saying 'sorry' when appropriate, and expecting intimacy on the first date.