Super relevant -- thanks for this episode. But what do you do when the person doesn't appear to _care_ how a given behavior makes you feel? I've been through this with my parents, and I eventually stopped putting effort into my relationship with them. It's heartbreaking.
Hey Moorea! Thanks so much for tuning in and for your question! This is definitely a difficult situation and I've definitely encountered it with some of my family members as well. The first thing I always try to do is talk things out and communicate. Asking questions is better at getting responses from them instead of accusing or poking at them (personal experience has taught me this). The whole point is to get them to admit that they either care, or don't care. If they say they care how you feel, then you can move forward and say "ok great, let's talk about how we can make some compromises and work through this so that we both feel seen and heard." If they admit they don't care (which I've received back as well before) then this means that they are:
A) Not taking responsibility for any of their behavior
B) They're putting your emotional reactions completely on you, thus forcing you to take responsibility for your own feelings / behavior (which I believe we should all do anyways)
However, this is where it gets interesting because they're expecting you to take responsibility for your behaviors, but they won't take responsibility for theirs.
If you can't get through a conversation with them about it, either because they won't take responsibility or get too defensive — when you break it down to the basics, this means they can't handle the conversation emotionally.
At this point, I would recommend setting boundaries based on how impactful and triggering this relationship is in your life. Sometimes that means limiting the conversation time (15 min phone calls for example), only talking about certain topics that don't trigger either one of you, and deciding how much time you want to spend with them in person, if any.
Other times, if the situation is more triggering on its own and communication is off the table because you've tried multiple times and they haven't been receptive, there is the option of stopping contact, or only allowing contact with them during emergency situations.
Many will disagree with going completely no contact, but if your mental health is at stake, and this connection is really damaging for you, it makes no sense to me to continue suffering in it just because "it's family and that's what you do". As someone who has hung around certain damaging, unhealthy family relationships for decades because of that belief — that you always need to be there for family, I look back and do not see how that helped me, or them for that matter because I was just enabling more of their inappropriate / manipulative behavior. So I have since become ok with ending any connection that hasn't been able to be repaired (after trying) and has shown to be abusive / traumatic, more times than once.
If you feel compelled to speak more about this, please feel free to send me a message anytime! I hope this response was helpful!
Super relevant -- thanks for this episode. But what do you do when the person doesn't appear to _care_ how a given behavior makes you feel? I've been through this with my parents, and I eventually stopped putting effort into my relationship with them. It's heartbreaking.
Hey Moorea! Thanks so much for tuning in and for your question! This is definitely a difficult situation and I've definitely encountered it with some of my family members as well. The first thing I always try to do is talk things out and communicate. Asking questions is better at getting responses from them instead of accusing or poking at them (personal experience has taught me this). The whole point is to get them to admit that they either care, or don't care. If they say they care how you feel, then you can move forward and say "ok great, let's talk about how we can make some compromises and work through this so that we both feel seen and heard." If they admit they don't care (which I've received back as well before) then this means that they are:
A) Not taking responsibility for any of their behavior
B) They're putting your emotional reactions completely on you, thus forcing you to take responsibility for your own feelings / behavior (which I believe we should all do anyways)
However, this is where it gets interesting because they're expecting you to take responsibility for your behaviors, but they won't take responsibility for theirs.
If you can't get through a conversation with them about it, either because they won't take responsibility or get too defensive — when you break it down to the basics, this means they can't handle the conversation emotionally.
At this point, I would recommend setting boundaries based on how impactful and triggering this relationship is in your life. Sometimes that means limiting the conversation time (15 min phone calls for example), only talking about certain topics that don't trigger either one of you, and deciding how much time you want to spend with them in person, if any.
Other times, if the situation is more triggering on its own and communication is off the table because you've tried multiple times and they haven't been receptive, there is the option of stopping contact, or only allowing contact with them during emergency situations.
Many will disagree with going completely no contact, but if your mental health is at stake, and this connection is really damaging for you, it makes no sense to me to continue suffering in it just because "it's family and that's what you do". As someone who has hung around certain damaging, unhealthy family relationships for decades because of that belief — that you always need to be there for family, I look back and do not see how that helped me, or them for that matter because I was just enabling more of their inappropriate / manipulative behavior. So I have since become ok with ending any connection that hasn't been able to be repaired (after trying) and has shown to be abusive / traumatic, more times than once.
If you feel compelled to speak more about this, please feel free to send me a message anytime! I hope this response was helpful!