The Real Reason You're Still Stuck In That Relationship That Won't Change

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Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast

Every Tuesday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.

It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!

What To Expect In This Episode

EP 25: The Real Reason You're Still Stuck In That Relationship That Won't Change

Welcome and thank you for your interest in this episode. This is one of those episodes that is geared towards a specific person. The person who has been stuck in one or multiple relationships like this and is truly sick of the merry-go-round where things just never change.

If you’re in this spot, It’s actually very common. In fact, I can think of a few relationships in my life where I’m still applying the knowledge from this work. The reason why I’m talking about this today is because I used to have WAY more relationships that fit into this category, and I’ve actually managed to turn some of those around, while letting go of others. In this episode I’m going to share my findings with you and show you how you can “feel these relationships out” to see if change is possible. By the end, you’ll know some steps you can take to find this out and you’ll also know how to deal with these relationships moving forward if they can’t be changed. So if you’re in this situation allow me to speak to you directly.

The odds are high that you’re experiencing this frustration, or even anger because you’re stuck expecting the other person to change things.

When I talk about being "stuck," I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. This happens with family members, friends, business partners - any relationship where you feel like you're doing all the work and getting nowhere.

Here's what I see all the time: You're the one trying to fix things when they go wrong. You're investing in yourself - learning better communication skills, taking responsibility for your mistakes, being more honest about what you need.

Meanwhile, the other person? Same old patterns. Same old responses.

They avoid the hard conversations. They get defensive when you bring up real issues. They act like your needs are a burden. Or here's a big one - they keep treating you like you're still the person you were five years ago, even though you've clearly changed.

What happens is you end up carrying the entire relationship. You're doing your work AND trying to compensate for the fact that they're not doing theirs. It's exhausting.

There’s a lot of false hope here., You keep thinking that if you just get better at this, if you're patient enough, if you find the right words - eventually they'll step up and meet you halfway.

I've watched people spend years in this cycle. And I’ve been there myself. But here's what I've learned from personal experience and working with so many people in this situation: relationships don't change because one person is working overtime. Both people have to be willing to show up and do the work.

If you feel like you're having the same conversations over and over, making the same requests, hitting the same walls - that's your answer right there. You're not failing. You're just trying to change a dynamic that requires both of your efforts. You can’t do this alone. No one can. It’s just not sustainable.

So how do you actually know if this is what's happening? Here are the patterns I see over and over again:

You're always the one bringing up the hard stuff.

Every conversation about boundaries, accountability, or fixing things after a conflict - that's all you. They never initiate these discussions.

When you do bring something up, they make YOU the problem.

You’re trying to address an issue and suddenly you're "too sensitive" or "never happy" or "always bringing up drama." They take the focus off themselves by making you self-conscious about how you’re acting.

Another one I hear about a lot is:

They're still responding to the old version of you.

You've done real work on yourself - you communicate differently, you've changed your patterns, you've clearly evolved in some way. But they keep treating you like you're exactly the same person you were years ago. They don’t acknowledge how far you’ve come or the positive changes you’ve made. A lot of times this is because it reminds them that they haven’t made as much progress, or maybe even any for that matter.

You're doing all the self-reflection while they're stuck in the same old habits.

You're reading, learning, taking responsibility for your part. They're still doing the exact same things they've always done.

You're managing the entire relationship.

You're the one remembering to check in, trying to keep things connected, doing the emotional heavy lifting. You catch yourself wondering where your energy went at the end of each day.

A reminder that this isn't just romantic relationships where this happens. I see this with:

• Parents who won't respect their adult kids' boundaries.

• Friends who still treat you like you're in college.

• Siblings who refuse to acknowledge they've ever done anything wrong.

If you're putting in the work and nothing's changing, it's not because you need to try harder. It's because any relationship is a two way street.

Why does this even happen? Why are you growing and they're still stuck in the same place?

Here's what I've noticed after years of talking with people in this situation:

Some people are terrified of change, even if it’s for the better.

Your growth threatens the familiar dynamic they're comfortable with. Even if that dynamic is unhealthy, it's predictable. They know how to navigate it. They also know what to expect, which takes away uncertainty. Your changes make them feel off-balance and uncertain, so they push back.

A lot of people just don't want to look at themselves honestly.

Real growth requires admitting you've made mistakes, that you could handle things better. That takes courage, and frankly, not everyone's ready for that level of self-reflection. It's easier to avoid it entirely.

If the current setup works for them, why would they change it?

Think about it - if you've been the one managing everything, keeping the peace, giving more than you get - they're getting a pretty good deal. They might not even realize how unfair it is because they've never had to carry that load.

They're invested in keeping you as the old version of yourself.

This one's hard to hear, but it's often true. If they acknowledge that you've grown and changed, they have to face the fact that they haven't. So they'll minimize your progress or act like you're being "dramatic" to keep things familiar. This type of behavior is all about keeping them in their comfort zone, which they never want to leave.

Look, I'm not saying these people are evil. But I am saying you can't wait around for someone to choose growth they're not ready for. You can't force someone to evolve just because you have. And honestly? It's not your job to drag them along.

The reality here is that some people will choose comfort over growth every single time, even if that comfort makes them more irritable over time.

So now that we’ve identified some red flags, if you are stuck in a relationship that won't change - what can you actually do about it?

What I’m about to share with you next took me decades to accept. You can't force someone to grow. You can't make them meet you where you are if they're not ready. But you absolutely can get crystal clear about your own boundaries and what you will and won't accept.

Ask yourself if the waiting game has worked so far. In order to preserve your time, energy, and sanity, I recommend the following after personally wasting years of time hoping that they would get it.

Stop waiting for them to validate your experience.

If you feel like the relationship is one-sided, if you're constantly drained after interactions, if you feel unseen - that's the real experience you’re having. Trust it. You don't need their permission to acknowledge what's actually happening. You also don’t need to convince them.

You get to decide how much access someone has to you.

This doesn't mean you have to cut people off completely. But you can adjust how much energy you give, how often you engage, what topics you're willing to discuss. You're not obligated to be available for every conversation or every crisis.

What you want to start doing is:

Focus your energy on yourself instead of trying to fix them.

Stop investing all that time and emotional energy trying to get them to "do the work." Put that energy into your own growth - not because you're hoping they'll eventually catch up, but because you deserve to live the life experience you want.

Here's what I tell almost everyone I talk to about this:

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do isn't to fix the relationship - it's to change your role in it. You can love someone and still protect your own well-being. You can care about someone and still refuse to carry their emotional weight. It’s not all black or white.

If this is hitting home for you - if you're realizing you've been doing way more than your fair share in a relationship - whatever you're feeling right now is completely valid. Frustrated, sad, angry, exhausted - all of it makes sense.

Start to imagine how much progress you can make when you stop wasting energy on situations that won’t move. Some great questions to ask and reflect on:

What would it look like to stop shrinking yourself to keep the peace?

What would change if you actually honored your own growth, even if the other person can't meet you there?

You don't have to make any dramatic moves today. But I want you to notice something: How long have you been waiting for things to change?

Here's the question that changed everything for me and for so many of my clients: What becomes possible for you when you stop waiting? How much space will you free up for things to move again?

You have to understand that your gut instinct already knows what’s going on.

You already know the answer. You've probably known it for a while. The question is: Are you ready to trust what you know?

One of the questions I get asked a lot is:

How do I know when I’ve put in enough time trying to shift this relationship?

The most important thing here is communication. If you can communicate with someone and they’re willing to hear you, things have the possibility to change.

If you try to communicate with someone and they’re receptive to it, this is a green flag letting you know that there is potential here. And I would continue down that road with as much communication as possible.

Share your feelings. Avoid blaming the other person outright. Just share how certain situations make you feel. An example is:

“When you don’t ask me how my day was, it makes me feel unimportant”

Notice here you’re not blaming them directly, you’re just sharing how a certain outcome makes you feel.

If they start to get defensive, you can say: “I’m not attacking you here or blaming you outright, I’m just trying to get you to see how a certain moment makes me feel.”

If you can keep a calm, clear delivery here, this will prevent escalation caused by them taking things the wrong way.

Keep highlighting how important communication is for you and keep the chance for a positive outcome on the table.

“I want this relationship to work out. I really value you. I’m just hoping you can see where I’m coming from emotionally. We can work together to change things”

On the other hand, if the other person isn’t willing to communicate or can’t communicate this is definitely a red flag and there are really only 2 major options here.

You can suggest to have someone else sit in with you while you talk about your relationship. It could be a therapist, a close friend, or a family member who can remain strong, grounded, and supportive. This usually helps lessen defensive behavior and can lead to positive changes.

If after trying these options, you find that the person still isn’t willing to budge or change anything, then it’s safe to assume that they’re not ready to meet you where you are at this time. As hard as it may be, It’s usually the best decision for your mental health to create distance at this time, whether temporary or permanent depending on the situation.

You need to create space for you to heal, reflect, and really get in line with how you want the next chapter in your life to unfold.

If the relationship is a friend or family member, you can set certain boundaries so that you preserve your peace, but still keep a connection with them. Always do what’s best for your mental health

If you’re having a problem with a and need some extra support, my door is always open. Feel free to message me below and we can work together to get you to a place that feels good. Sometimes having that extra support makes all the difference.

THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.

I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!

A happy week to you all!

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