Trapped in a Toxic Community? How To Reclaim Your Life & Find Your People.

A story about how my community pushed me to the ultimate limit, and the priceless lesson that came along with it

My community was killing me slowly

I had a network of over 100 friends and I never felt so alone

I'm not talking about "Facebook" friends. I'm talking about friends I saw in person on a daily basis.

You may be wondering how is it possible to have that many friends?

Well, I worked as a property manager and was responsible for taking care of 80+ tenants.

I thought if I befriended everyone it would make my job easier.

The truth?

It actually made my job unbearable, to the point where I found myself digging my own grave.

Looking back..

My dream job of living rent free in Beverly Hills quickly turned into a nightmare that made me desperate to escape.

The thing is...

When I saw my “apartment building friends” during the day I would:

• Have a smile on my face

• Help them with their issues

• Have some insightful conversations

But that evening I would find myself drained, sweating, curled up in bed, and absolutely livid at myself

What was happening here?

There was clearly a price for upgrading these tenants to "friend status".

They now expected me to help them with EVERYTHING, in addition to my job responsibilities.

The majority of them were always complaining about something, and I found myself expending copious amounts of energy to keep them happy

The calls and texts got to be so suffocating that I had to turn my phone off and didn’t reply to their messages until a few days later.

My level of patience was challenged almost daily

I actually remember hurling my phone at the wall a few times

What really shocked me was:

When I was honest with the tenants about my mental health, I was met with minimal empathy, and the personal requests just kept pouring in.

I still remember some of them..

• "I need you! my printer doesn't work".

• "It's 11pm and there's a cockroach crawling across my kitchen floor! Help!".

• "There's a cricket in my bath tub".

• "The guy below me is smoking a cigarette outside on his balcony and won't stop"

I felt like a parent trying to father 80 children.

And these were just the "friends" from my job.

I had 20 other local friends as well..

Some of my local friends would often use a manipulative tactic that really got on my nerves:

1. Someone texts: "Hey, what are you doing tonight?"

2. If I say I'm free, they reveal an event and pressure me to go.

3. If they had mentioned the event at first, I would have said no.

This feels unfair because they hid the real plan until I said I was available

This approach always left a sour taste in my mouth. I felt trapped and manipulated.

Other friends would just blatantly invite themselves over assuming that i had nothing going on because they "knew me so well".

"Hey, can I come over, you cook dinner, and we watch a movie? "

Some would just ask me for favors all the time and offer very little in return.

"Can you vacuum my car mats? You're just so good at it."

No matter how fast I solved these issues, more kept piling up on my desk

None of these people cared about what my needs were or what I wanted.

They only cared about their own needs and what I could do for them.

Do you have examples like this in your life?

News flash: That's not friendship

When I would crash and burn from my network’s demands, they would act like they cared, but only for a few minutes.

Their end goal?

To get my head back on straight as quickly as possible so I could go back to servicing their needs.

As the pressure continued to intensify, I noticed a maelstrom of selfishness was closing in around me

This was my community.. And it sure as hell wasn't living up to my expectations

A community is meant to provide mutual support, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging.

Let's just say this was not that.

One night I had a nervous breakdown and was brought to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably with my head nestled between my thighs

I never thought that a community could backfire like this

I was in awe that people could be so self absorbed and not tend to the few needs that I required on my end.

I always thought that ANY community was better than NO community. I had clearly been proven wrong.

After wobbling my way back to my feet, tears still blocking my vision, I came face to face with the bathroom mirror

The actual bathroom mirror

As I dried my eyes and peered in, I was met with a curious thought

How did all of this happen?

The scariest thing I realized when I looked into that mirror was:

This was all my fault.

I was enabling these people to do everything they were doing.

How exactly?

I had kept the door wide open for them, with an evergreen invitation that never expired.

More examples poured in on how I had created this story for myself:

• Spreading myself way too thin

• Always saying yes

• Never setting boundaries from the start to protect my needs

I had created this network for myself, a relentless monster that was now leveling me as a human being.

The icing on the cake?

Not a damn person in my network knew they were doing anything wrong, or what I was going through every day.

I was alone in my feelings, and my misery.

The most unbelievable realization I got looking in the mirror that night?

Even though I was expending almost all of my daily energy to help them, I noticed that I really wasn't making their lives that much better

What a powerful insight to gain..

I felt like God was giving me a personal review of the last 5 years of my life, in the blink of an eye.

It was time for change, and I knew that I had to be the catalyst.

I'd been in this situation far too long. Things were not going to change on their own.

I needed some breathing room where I could reflect on all this and heal properly.

I decided to quit my job, and temporarily rent an apartment on the beach

My beach apartment building

The newfound silence was uncomfortable, and it forced clarity on me that moved me to tears.

I hated myself for being the enabler, and then cutting ties with everyone so quickly

But my mental health was on the line and I needed to take care of myself for once.

As I took the time I needed, A breakthrough started to show up on the horizon.

I couldn't change the past and the mistakes that I made.

But what I could do was learn how to do things differently moving forward.

I wanted to honor myself and my future relationships by making sure I made this change, and never fell into this kind of hole ever again.

I got a pen and some paper and began to write down what type of community I wanted.

I longed for a community that:

• Energized me

• Respected boundaries

• Wanted growth on both sides

• Reciprocated

Is your community working for you?

Do you find yourself in a similar situation?

I’d like to share what I learned after hundreds of hours of reflecting on how to surround yourself with your ideal community.

Some of the value I uncovered:

NEVER force yourself into a community

Let the community choose you

How does this work?

By paying attention to how the community responds to your involvement

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel seen here?

• Is my time valued?

• Are my opinions valued?

• Do I resonate with the discussions here?

• Am I receiving value in return?

A few more questions to ponder on:

Are you spending time in communities that don't align with your real interests?

Do you often feel left out by your group or community?

Do you feel alone, even though there is a community around you?

Let me be here to tell you if this is you, you are not a victim

You're simply in the wrong type of community

What works for someone else may not work for you, and that's ok.

If you feel resistance in a space..

A change is probably required.

You may fear changing your life situation due to:

• The resistance you may receive

• Connections you may lose

• JUDGEMENT from others

From my experience I can tell you that:

These concerns are minor compared to your overall mental health and well-being.

When I left my old community, people left me screaming voicemails and sent hateful emails.

I even had someone come directly to my front door and ring the bell repeatedly.

You don't have to respond or answer at all.

No response is a response.

It's a form of self-respect.

As you get used to putting yourself first, you will realize that you are deserving of a community that enriches your soul, instead of one that sucks away its very essence.

I promise that your community is out there.

Keep looking and always be fearless in your screening process when adding new people to your life

Your life is valuable.

Cherish yourself, so you can share your best with the world.

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Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed this real story about my life, consider subscribing for more stories like this one! Feel free to also share it so someone else can have an uplifting experience 🙏. A beautiful rest of the day to you!