Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Tuesday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
Episode 33: Why You Keep Attracting The Same Partner And How To Shift It For Good
You obviously don’t want to keep attracting the same partner over and over again.
In fact, when it happens, you even get frustrated and angry, as if it shouldn’t have happened—as if something else should have happened instead.
I see you. I’ve been there many times. And this isn’t something you should beat yourself up over.
I’m saying this because In my past, I had countless situations where I was abandoned by family I trusted as well as rejected, abused, and used by countless partners all because I believed the world worked in a way that it didn’t.
10 years of being single and doing everything wrong finally caused me to hit rock bottom and surrender what I thought I knew.
Once I got to the root of my beliefs and why I was emitting this frequency, I was able to change things and create a romantic life that I only dreamed about during boring classes at elementary school.
This is not your fault because your belief patterns happened when you were so young and had no control or awareness over them. You were taught a believable version of how the world really worked, and the people you trusted the most reinforced that by living that example.
Actually, most of us were taught the same frameworks.
And we believed them.
It’s what makes up the society that we live in that tells us what is acceptable and what isn’t. How to do things, and even what to believe in certain aspects.
The question is: Why wouldn’t you believe this was the only way if most people were taught this from a young age and run their lives by the same philosophy?
Furthermore, we’re hardwired as human beings to believe that if the majority is doing something a certain way, then not only must it work, it must be the most efficient way to do it, or someone would have found and taught us all a better way by now.
However in the case of love and partnerships, I want to ask you to use your human gift of “conscious observation”.
Look at this particular scenario carefully and ask: “Do the majority of people have the partner they want? Are they happy in their romantic relationships? Or somewhere down the line did they just settle for something that they came to believe was the best they could get.”
The truth is that it’s quite common to keep attracting the same partner over and over because most of us never analyze why and instead believe that life is just a game of chance until it magically works out.
Oftentimes, we view life more like a slot machine where “If I just keep pulling the lever, eventually it will spit out what I want”.
See that’s the old philosophy working it’s magic.
The new philosophy that you were never told, or have a hard time believing is that our energy is actually what creates our world around us.
It’s what brings certain types of people to us, and pushes others away. The very frequency that makes up our thoughts, actions, and feelings is the heart of what shows up in our lives.
You may be a bit more curious now why you keep generating the same results and attract the same partner and people into your life regardless of how much time goes by.
It’s because without knowing it, you’re acting the same way over and over and expecting a different result.
Like all humans, you’re hardwired to avoid change and seek comfort.
The truth is, you don’t want to change. It’s uncomfortable and unknown.
If you go back to your life as a child, during your upbringing was when you first learned about relationships and “what love was”
The thing is that what you saw as an example of love, may not have been love at all. It may have been something unhealthy disguised as love.
Here’s an example
I grew up in a household of do-ers who never stopped doing things for other people and trying to help them. You could call it extreme generosity. You could also call it love.
But what I realized later on is that subconsciously, these people were doing these things for love, which meant they believed that love was something that you had to earn. They grew up to believe that you had to prove yourself to be loved. The generosity they were giving out had an expectation attached to it. The other person needed to make them feel loved and valued in return because in their eyes that “proved to them that you loved them”.
This may not sound unhealthy on the surface, but what it does is it teaches us that you have to constantly prove yourself to other people and add value so they will care about you.
The second that you don’t prove yourself in the way that is expected, that love could end, you could be replaced. In short, it was all transactional and a means to an end.
If you missed episode 31, I talk about how I was in this loop for years and how my brother was the one who snapped me out of it
We adopt this personality trait of wanting to help everyone and add value so that we will seem desirable. So that the right person will choose us. And It’s exhausting.. There’s also no guarantee that if you do it all right that you’ll end up being loved by the person you’re trying to impress.
You may be wondering how to tell if your generosity is true or not?
In my experience, if your generosity leaves you with more energy afterwards regardless of whether or not it’s acknowledged, it’s authentic. If it leaves you drained, frustrated, or bitter, that’s feedback letting you know that you were doing it for a desired outcome, and you didn’t receive that.
It’s not easy to break down and understand these subconscious patterns that we’re taught growing up. On the surface they seem completely normal. But what most don’t realize is that these patterns are the real damage that’s preventing you from seeing outside the box, and allowing a different pattern to come in to change the cycle that keeps repeating for you.
When we choose to “people please” and always put others first hoping they will love us and see us as truly valuable, we’re subconsciously neglecting ourselves, which further wounds the inner child in us.
The reason why my family chose to behave that way out of survival was that: “Love was emotionally unavailable for them growing up”. They learned this because they saw their parents doing it—this is an example of how generational trauma gets passed down.
They developed this quality to always do things for others to seek attention and affection, because it wasn’t given to them growing up.
They figured that if they constantly added value and helped others, they would receive the love they craved, and that would be satisfying enough.
This isn’t the only pattern by the way, it’s just one example. Other patterns could include:
Love could have been inconsistent for you growing up and only presented during certain circumstances. Examples could be, when a parent was intoxicated, on happy pills, or had a good day, that was the only time they showed you affection.
This leads the child to believe in the future that you need a few drinks, or some form of medication to express how you truly feel and it’s impossible to be vulnerable without that crutch.
Another pattern is Love could have been given in the form of “control”, where if you obey and do what the parent wants and expects of you, you’re rewarded with love.’ They praise you and tell you they want as long as you’re living the life they expect you to live.
Now that we’ve outlined a few common patterns, once you identify yours, how do you begin to change it?
First, you need to be willing to unlearn this prior belief that you have about love and fully accept that it has not served you in your past experiences. How do you do this? By recognizing that it hasn’t worked for you thus far, and it’s not going to change.
If you won’t allow yourself to break out of this cycle, the same patterns are going to continue showing up, and you’ll continue to find yourself in the same situations.
This is because you’re unconsciously inviting these circumstances in by refusing to get to the root of why this is happening.
What might help in accepting this change is to realize that you’re not expected to get things right the first time. Life is an experience of trial and error and the word “failure” doesn’t mean that you’re an idiot or that you’re unworthy.
It’s actually necessary to get good at something. Life is a game of learning, getting things wrong is part of that. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
This is how the formula of life works. “You don’t get what you want in relationships, You get what you believe you deserve”
A quick summary of how to change these patterns in yourself.
First, reflect and recognize that your current beliefs on how things should be were created during your upbringing. You can work on de-conditioning yourself from whatever hasn’t been working for you. Accepting that you don’t need to prove yourself to be worthy of love is the main goal. You are worthy of love exactly as you are, and if you believe it, someone else will find you and believe that to. It sounds like a fairy tale but that’s actually how it works.
Look at it this way. A newborn baby is loved simply because it exists, not because it does something to earn that love. Focus on being yourself and communicate what you want in a relationship openly to people you meet. Put it out directly into the universe.
The right person who understands how to love you will stick around. Others may fall way, but this is for the best because they would have only caused you harm in the long run.
The main idea is to explore your life in this way and work on your mindset so that you can shift your perspective, which will shift your energy, which will shift your life. This is the work that matters; this is the work that will change your life.
And if you feel you need extra support and want to go deeper on a specific situation you’re going through in your life, check out my website where we can work on the EXACT scenario that you’re dealing with. To visit the site, Click my photo in the bottom of the show notes.
As always, if you need clarification on anything or have additional questions, my door and DMS are always open. You can also visit my website by clicking the photo below. Substack subscribers get 20% off all my services for a limited time. DM me to get that discount.
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Tuesday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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