How Vulnerability Can Either Make Or Break Your Relationship

Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast

Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.

It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!

EP 20: How Vulnerability Can Either Make Or Break Your Relationship

I’d like to set an intention before getting into this episode. The advice that you will hear does not just pertain to romantic relationships. These suggestions also work incredibly well when it comes to relationships with family, friends, and at the workplace.

Throughout my time observing all sorts of different relationships, I’ve noticed that the main reason why things don’t work out and ultimately lead to the relationship failing. It has to do with lack of communication but what does that mean exactly?

Both people speak the same language, so why can’t they communicate?

The answer lies in vulnerability

We’re scared to be honest with our partners, for various reasons. If you break it down to the main fear, you’re left with:

People don’t communicate the truth to their partners about their feelings and needs because they’re afraid of rocking the boat. The ultimate fear is the relationship ending.

The interesting thing about this fear is that if you then avoid being vulnerable in your communication to try to prevent the relationship from failing, more often than not, it ends up failing anyway.

However, the way in which it fails constitutes a much slower death to the relationship— and it’s usually much more painful on the way down.

It’s kind of like ripping a band-aid off versus trying to strategically remove it without feeling pain. We all know how that goes… Ripping it off is scarier but actually produces less pain in the long run.

Once we understand that avoiding communication is almost a sure factor to make sure the relationship fails, we begin to become more open and willing to communicate honestly.

Here’s the secret to being vulnerable in your relationships

The way you say things.. Is everything

Words have a lot of power, and knowing how to use them effectively can really craft not only a strong relationship, but trust that 2 people can weather the storm when things get difficult.

How do you know what words to use?

Before you initiate a conversation, think to yourself

“How can I say this in a way that won’t hurt my the other person”

Odds are that you know the other person’s habits, and how t hey respond to certain communication. The goal here isn’t to hurt the other person to “get even” or show them that they’ve been causing you pain.

Rather, the ultimate goal is to cultivate and strengthen the relationship so that good feelings are felt on both sides and the relationship continues to grow, with both of you benefitting from it.

Now I’m going to show you how to communicate properly so you have a better chance at getting what you want, while helping them understand and support you at the same time.

1. Be mindful about when and how you bring up emotionally charged topics.

Instead of diving in with a direct attack from pent up emotions such as:

“You’re always looking at your phone when I try to talk to you…”

Try something more like:

"Hey, there’s something on my mind I’d like to talk about — when would be a good time for you?"

This allows the person to gather themselves together and prepare to have a conversation with you. Instead of just springing it on them when you’re emotionally charged, which usually leads to the other person reacting in an emotionally charged way as well. This is one of the main reasons why fights start and you can mitigate this risk, by controlling your emotions and starting the conversation off on the right foot.

Pro tip: If the other person curiously asks: “What is this about?”

You don’t want to force the conversation at that moment unless you feel that you are both relaxed and have time to talk. If that’s not the case you can simply respond with

“I just want to share some stuff that’s been coming up for me recently, but I want to make sure we have enough time and space to talk about it. I believe everything will be fine, I just want to make sure we don’t have anything else going on when we talk about this”

If the person gets more aggressive and keeps pushing the most important thing to do is not raise your voice and remain calm. Keep assuring them that this is how you want to structure the beginning of the conversation and keep asking them when they feel like they’ll have enough time and emotional availability to have a healthy discussion

2. When tension builds in relationships, that’s when things start to get heated. This is a sign that a discussion and reconnection is absolutely needed.

Keep in mind that the goal is to understand each other and to have respect for each others needs. This is how you create a trustworthy connection with one another.

Most times when tension starts to build, people move away from communication because they’re afraid of making things worse.

But the key here is to understand that tension is a sign that re-connection needs to happen because there is something in the relationship that is leading to uncertainty.

Once you realize that you’re a team and you need to work together for a strong connection to be felt on both sides, the game changes completely.

It’s not about being right, it’s about feeling understood and mirroring that for your partner on the other end. That means, you go out of your way to understand them, their feelings, what matters to them, and what their needs are. When you ask these kinds of questions, it’s not a form of weakness but rather strength. You’re showing the other person that you care about building a strong relationship that works for both of you.

A relationship is never about one person’s needs being met. Yes, oftentimes we do focus on our own needs more than the needs of others—but we must also understand that a relationship truly flourishes when needs are met on both sides. If one person is satisfied, but the other isn’t, there’s good odds there will be a breakup down the road if that is not repaired.

3. Never “Assume”, Always Communicate

Even when things are going well, you still want to leave the communication gap open. This means, always checking in with the other person to make sure they are feeling good, seen, and heard in the connection they have with you. Giving them an invitation to share things that are on their mind.

If it’s hard for you to talk about something, that’s ok, you can lead with that. Saying something like: “This is a really challenging thing to bring up” or “This is a hard conversation for me to have, but I know how important it is for our relationships”

There have been difficult conversations I’ve had to have with my wife because I knew it was important to discuss certain matters in our relationship and when I opened the conversation in that way, it prepared her to be easier with me because she knew it was a challenging topic for me, but also knew that I cared enough about our relationship to stay in it with her. Those are the moments that will actually make a connection stronger, even if you’re discussing something difficult.

I hope that these examples helped show you how important and necessary open communication is in relationships. Even if it’s hard, admitting that before you start a talk can make the world a difference. Just like when you stand up to give a speech, if you’re nervous and you admit that to the audience, it all of a sudden gets a lot easier. Same thing goes with this.

If you need help with any relationship you have, in any aspect, my DM’s are always open to you. Asking for help is a form of strength, not weakness.

THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.

I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!

A happy week to you all!

Not subscribed? Subscribe now to get this podcast and many more self-growth info delivered right to your inbox!

If you enjoy these episodes, please consider supporting my work by buying me a coffee below! I do this pretty much full time and your support means the world!