Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
EP 21: Rejection Reflects Them, Not You
We grow up hearing we’re responsible for how other people feel. It sounds like it makes sense but over the years, I’ve noticed that it’s actually not true.
Let me show you what I mean.
A while back I worked at CVS with a girl named Valerie. We had great chemistry and were always joking around while flirting with each other. When the fall fair rolled around, I asked her to go with me. She said she wanted to but had a project due the next day. Fair enough. I shrugged it off and took my brother instead.
First stop at the fair was the fried‑dough truck. I take a huge bite, spin around, and there’s Valerie with her arm around another guy, laughing like she would laugh with me at work.
We locked eyes. Powdered sugar rained down my shirt.
She opened her mouth to explain but I turned quickly and walked away without looking back. I just couldn’t handle that moment.
That night I sat in bed replaying it. I told myself she’d played me. I felt unlovable. My confidence tanked. From the outside it looked obvious. She lied, I was hurt because of that, end of story
What I didn’t see then was how much of my worth I’d been outsourcing. If someone showed me affection, I felt okay. If they didn’t, I assumed something was wrong with me. No inner foundation; just other people’s reactions propping me up.
Funny part? Spotting her at that truck was a gift. If I’d missed it, she’d have been dating two guys and the crash later would’ve been rougher. Took me a while to realize that.
Here’s the bigger pattern: I’d learned early that if someone lets you down, it must be your fault. They’re fine, you messed up. That belief hands your power straight over to them. Their opinion becomes the core truth or who you are.
A few repeats of the Valerie story finally cracked the code for me. Other people’s choices usually say more about their season of life than about my value.
Things like:
Timing
Comfort level
Personal baggage
Those are the things that often drive people to make the decisions they make.
Think about relationships where attraction never sparked until months later, or when someone pulled back because they’d just ended another relationship.
Most of the time if they’re giving you signals but won’t take it further, It’s not about you being “not enough”.
It’s usually just wrong timing or too much on their plate.
This exact scenario actually happened with my now wife. We met, became friends first and in 2015 I made a move to show her I was interested. She told me she didn’t know if she felt the same way.
She was still in school and had a lot on her plate; that’s what she was most focused on at the time, not dating.
We stayed friends and two years later in 2017 she told me she had developed attraction for me. So we tried another date. Things went well for a few weeks, but the timing still wasn’t right.
I was beginning to think perhaps things weren’t meant to work out but the truth was, we both still had a lot in focus. I had just started a new business, and she was pursuing a masters degree.
In 2018, after her schoolwork had slowed down, she asked me on a date to see a show. That was the magical night. We’ve been together for the last 7 years and married last year.
The takeaway from this story?
If the signs are there and you feel the chemistry but things aren’t moving forward as planned, instead of jumping to the conclusions of
There’s something wrong with me
I’m not good enough
I will never find love
Ask yourself first if there’s something larger at play. Does it seem like the right moment for you to date right now? Are either one of you going through something heavy or have an overpacked schedule that allows very little time?
Being able to be logical about the situation will prevent you from harming yourself because things didn’t work out in the exact way you planned.
Let’s push things a bit further with this for a moment.
Suppose someone passes on you because you’re a nerd, short in height, or don’t make lots of money.
That feels personal on the surface, but let’s dig deeper.
Somewhere down the road, they picked up the rule that nerds aren’t cool, short partners can’t protect their families, or money equals security. Those rules live in their story, not yours. And guess what? Plenty of people out there love a nerd, prefer a shorter partner, or care more about shared values than your paycheck. It’s never black or white.
The bottom line is:
Their reaction shouldn’t dictate your self-worth. Their reaction is merely a snapshot of where they are and what they believe right now.
Keep your power.
Build your own foundation.
When you recognize that you dictate how your life unfolds with your own energy, other’s won’t be able to help but notice that you’re marching to the beat of your own drum. And there’s something attractive about that.
You’re more concerned with how you’re living your life and the goals you’re achieving than obsessing over finding the right person to complete you.
That kind of independence will not go unnoticed in the dating world and if you’re single and looking, you’ll have much more success when you can show you’re interested, but not desperate about it.
And next time someone’s choice stings, remember—it usually doesn’t have anything to do with you.
If you need help with a recent break-up, putting yourself back out there in the dating world, or feel lost when it comes to relationships, message me below, I’d love to help.
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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