Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Tuesday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
EP 27: Why Most Relationships Don’t Improve—And What’s Missing
Welcome to today’s episode
Let’s dive right in
There’s a huge misconceptions with relationships out there where, if you find yourself in a relationships struggle with someone else, you believe the solution is:
“Well if they just fix this or that on their part, then everything will be fine”
And oh how I wish it was that easy and that this worked most of the time.
The truth is that this philosophy has a slim chance of working overall.
I feel confident saying this because I’ve experienced over 2 decades of dealing with difficult relationships in all facets
From different friendship networks over the years, to difficult family members, as well as a good variety of romantic partnerships— I’ve been through it all and it always seemed “correct” for me to think:
“Well if they’re the one causing the problem, shouldn’t they be the ones to fix it?”
And to this day, I’m still attached to that philosophy in a way— I wish it was the one that worked most often
Unfortunately it isn’t, and I suffered for many years in different relationship situations hoping the other person would get it, and make it right.
After studying relationships over the last 20 years I have discovered a better way to approach things so that they have a much higher chance of getting a resolution that works.
And that’s what we’re going to be talking about in this episode.
No matter what relationships you’re having trouble with, there’s one thing that needs to happen for things to improve.
And let me be clear what i mean by “improve”. I mean that either:
1. The relationship gets better over time
2. Boundaries are put in place so things can improve slightly but don’t get worse
3. The relationship ends and then YOUR life improves
These are the big three, and I’d like to say that these are the most common scenarios that you want to work towards.
In my opinion, the most important thing is for you to protect yourself when you’re in these situations.
All 3 of these final scenarios result in YOUR life getting better— and if you take a deep look at your relationship problem, that’s the real gold you’re looking for.
So what’s that one thing that absolutely has to happen for the relationship to begin improving?
CHANGE
Such a simple word, yet so often misunderstood
One of the things that makes change the most difficult is our egos
We want it done a certain way, we know exactly what we want to see happen and if that exact outcome doesn’t happen, then we’re not budging on our end.
Trust me, I’ve been there, and I’ve been incredibly stubborn with this before.
For example: If I am friends with someone who can be verbally abusive at times, and I feel incredibly hurt when those moments happen, the exact way that I would want this relationship to improve would be:
I would want a vulnerable apology from that person and a promise to try not to let that happen again. If they were able to do this, in my eyes, the relationship could be saved, and I would allow that change to repair the relationship for me.
Well the problem with this could be that the friend on the other end just isn’t comfortable being vulnerable, or perhaps they don’t even know how to manage their emotions at all.
Therefore, I would be asking for something nearly impossible from them—I would also be expecting them to recognize, accept, and change their behavior in a way that they can’t.
So in this situation for example, Because my requirements cannot be met, I would be choosing to continue suffering on my end, which is only causing harm to myself. Instead, it would be helpful for me to recognize that I deserve some sort of peace of mind with this, given the circumstances, which can help in allowing me to let go of any grudges I have about the situation.
If there’s anything I’ve learned over my time studying relationships it’s that— We can’t force anyone to change, even with ultimatums, blackmail, threats, etc.
If any of these work, they’re usually short-term and only work because they’re fear based. Usually, the person’s behavior returns shortly after because they haven’t done the deep work on the trauma that has caused them to behave this way in the first place.
You see, “change” is the one thing that has to happen in any relationships problem for things to get better for you. And since we can’t control the actions of others, if the other person is not willing to change, or not emotionally responsible enough to, we have no choice but to enact the change on our end.
To be clear, the reason why we are making the change happen on our end is to give ourselves the peace that we deserve, which allows us to either greatly reduce or stop suffering altogether.
When you’re in the process of making this change from your end, this doesn’t mean laying down ultimatums or threats that come from a feeling of resentment.
Trust me, I’ve dealt with feelings of resentment A LOT
I’ve wanted people to pay the price for the way they hurt me, and others around me. It’s completely understandable.
In fact, I wanted them to pay the price so badly, that I was willing to stay in a loop of suffering for years, in hopes that it would happen.
On very rare occasions this worked out in my favor, 90% of the time, It didn’t
So down the road, I decided to let go of my expectations for how I wanted things to work out and began to look at a different angle which was:
I wanted to feel better.
That was the most important. And I believe that’s the most important thing for you too.
You may think there’s no possible way you can feel better unless the other person pays the price for their actions
But I promise you that you will be able to let go of that expectation when you’re able to come to the terms that remaining in this state, is causing you the most pain..
Let’s take a look at what could actually happen by letting go.
Your life can be absolutely outstanding and you can have the trusting, reliable, loyal relationships that you deserve. We all do.
Let’s talk about how to get there.
In my experience, letting go of expectations comes when you completely understand that the other person just doesn’t have the strength to change things. This comes from looking at how long this problem has been going on. The longer the problem—the less likely for change.
This is the point where you have to actively save yourself from future suffering
You have to understand that your life experience matters, and it should not be controlled by this person’s discomfort or stubbornness around change.
One of the best books I’ve read on this topic is:
Link is in the transcript below this post or please feel free to search for the title on Amazon.
I’m recommending this book because even though it is centered around relationships with parents, the framework that it teaches is the same for all relationships—it’s not just about parents or other family members, you can apply this to any connection you have.
On top of this book recommendation I want to recommend some shortcuts you can explore right now.
If the person is emotionally available enough to have a conversation about the issue you’re experiencing and has enough genuine empathy to admit there is a problem, this is where change becomes possible.
If you’ve tried talking countless times to no avail, you can see if the other person would be wiling to try seeing a coach with you to work on the relationships, or joining you in speaking with a therapist. Working with a third party is often one of the most effective ways to disarm the ego and allow change to come in.
If you’ve tried all of these and nothing has worked, and you can’t let the relationship go or don’t want to yet, It’s time to set boundaries for your own sanity. More on the framework on how to do this in Episode 26. If you’d like help on how to set certain boundaries and would like to go into way more detail on which ones to set and how to communicate them to that person, please book a free consultation call and we will speak on how I can best help you.
If you’re struggling with a specific situation and would like my input, I welcome that in the comments. If the situation is too private, you can send me a DM. I’m confident I’ll be able to give you an appropriate direction to move in.
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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