How To Set Boundaries With A Friend Or Family Member That Gets Under Your Skin

Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast

Every Tuesday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.

It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!

EP 26: How To Set Boundaries With A Friend Or Family Member That Gets Under Your Skin

Welcome. This one’s going to be dicey, but if you’re serious about setting boundaries, this is how you do it.

Let’s dive right in.

Most people dislike change; I'm one of them. Because the majority of us avoid change, we've grown to expect relationships to stay the same—as if no change should ever be required.

But if you take a look out into our world for a second, you'll realize that nothing stays the same, and everything changes. The point is: everything is in motion, including our planet. When we can look at it from this angle, we can see that things naturally change, and for me it makes things a little easier to accept.

Your relationships are on this train as well—they're either evolving, or devolving. Nothing stays the same.

When you look at problems that happen in relationships, you'll find that most irritation and conflict happens because one person is trying to change, and the other person is doing everything they can to keep things as they are.

This can show up in the form of a parent who doesn't want to let their child grow up differently from the way they did. They do everything in their power to keep the child’s religion the same, their job choices within the categories they're used to, and try to control who they hang out with and date so everything seems normal and acceptable to what the parent is used to.

On the other side, it could be that the parent is trying to force their child to go on a trip with them somewhere that used to be interesting to the child, but now actually doesn't fit, since the child has grown up and interests have changed.

It’s important to realize here that there is no wrong or right side—it's recognizing that whichever side is trying to "force" something is the one out of alignment.

Instead of forcing, we should accept that we are not here to control other people, but to find peace with the way they choose to live their lives. Whether we choose to learn about the changes happening within our relationships or not, there is one thing to note: You can accept someone else's changes without necessarily understanding them—it's all about letting go of control.

So this brings me to today's topic.

What happens when someone just won't accept the changes you're making and you find them repeatedly getting under your skin, challenging you, and trying to force you to live in a way that's comfortable for them?

You can always try communicating where you stand, depending on the severity of the situation. But let's be honest—most of the time that doesn't work because the other person's comfort level has been threatened by the way you're choosing to live your life. It’s also difficult to have vulnerable conversations with most people.

If you’re wondering why that is: It’s because most people just aren’t in tune with their emotions and never learned how. They dismiss the expression of feeling because it’s too much for them to hold.

This is where adequate boundary setting comes in.

Let's cut right to it with no fluff.

Setting boundaries is scary because deep down, we really don't want to rock the boat. We especially don't want to create more conflict in our lives since most of us are already carrying too much already.

And then there's the part of us that says:

"Why do I always have to be the one to do everything?"

Here’s my take:

"The reality is that not everyone CAN see the bigger picture of what is going on around them. If you can, that's powerful because you have the capacity to free yourself and create the space you need to grow."

This is an act of self-love for yourself because you’re choosing to care for yourself in the way you need, even if it makes no sense to the other person. Even if it angers them or causes them to lash out.

No one can take care of you better than you. That’s a powerful statement and once you start to own it, everything begins to change for you.

Here's what I've learned about boundaries through trial and error. The moment you try to set them to change someone else, they stop working. They only work when you set them to protect and provide for yourself in the way that YOU need.

They’ll call you selfish, heartless, all of it. But you’re not any of those things. You’re simply taking responsibility for what you need in life most—And they need to do the same. You are not responsible for dragging someone else’s life behind yours. Your own weight is enough.

The reason why this is such an important shift is because we really can’t control the actions of others, but we can control the ability to give ourselves what we need. If someone else isn’t stepping up to the plate, we can step up ourselves.

When someone keeps pushing against your changes, your boundary isn't "You need to accept who I'm becoming." That's still trying to control them. Your boundary is "I'm going to continue being who I'm becoming, regardless of your comfort level with it."

The difference is huge.

Things can get uncomfortable when you're the one who has to follow through. And this is where most people stop. The pain you know is better than the pain you don’t. But who said there has to be any pain at all?

Why should you feel guilty, shameful, or like a horrible person for choosing yourself? Especially when you’re being met with some form of abuse from the other side disguised as love and care.

“I’m doing this because I love you”. How many times have we heard that manipulative statement?

The real work begins here:

You have to be willing to have difficult conversations, to disappoint people, and sometimes to create distance when someone refuses to respect the person you're becoming.

And that's terrifying because it means you might lose people along the way.

The thing to realize here is that the people who truly matter will find a way to grow with you, even if it takes time.

The hardest part isn't setting the boundary like most think.

It's coming to the realization that things are not going to change and you deserve to stop suffering.

When you choose yourself, that’s when things start to really improve.

So you’re probably wondering “How do I do this then?”

I know you were looking for some magic formula to follow, but I’d like you to look at this differently for a second.

The boundary setting happens gracefully when you truly understand WHY you’re doing this. All the examples I’ve described above? That’s the framework for coming to the understanding of two things.

First: Try to communicate your feelings authentically to the person. If they throw it back at you, don’t respond, or get edgy, you can decide whether or not you want to try again based on what you know about that person’s past

Second: If communication doesn’t work and keeps leading you off a cliff, I’m here to tell you that setting a boundary, or multiple boundaries is the only way you’re going to find some peace in this relationship.

If you need to set a boundary, here’s how you do it.

Set it neutrally:

Do not express emotion over it’

Do not express feelings of resentment towards the other person

Put it in place, expect push back, and when that pushback comes, respond with a simple reminder. “This is how I’m doing things now”

They’ll either get used to it, or they won’t

Either way, you’ll be able to track the relationship better this way and if things continue to get worse, you can keep extending the distance between you and them, or set more boundaries.

The goal here is NOT to punish them.

It’s to give yourself what you need.

This should NOT be done from a place of resentment. This is a very important part of the work

If things continue to escalate you can cut the cord altogether.

Sounds pretty heartless doesn’t it?

That’s your old mind playing tricks on you.

Let me offer a different perspective

You’ve opened up a new life for yourself where you can have the connections you deserve. You now have space for more of the things that suit you. You have gained a new level of self-respect for yourself. And almost ALL the time, you will come to realize that you’re now suffering less than you did when you were chained down by that person and the rules they set for your life to validate their own comforts.

Manipulation? Abuse? Shaming? It all ends here

No one deserves that, especially when you’re attacking yourself over thinking you’ve made the wrong choice not to validate their weakness.

Yes, that’s what it is, weakness. The inability to take responsibility for their shit. Instead they prefer to use you and everyone else as a dumping ground.

This my friends is entitlement at it’s finest, and you don’t have to play any part in it.

When I started setting boundaries and behaving in a way that was loving to myself, I ended up losing almost 100% of my friendship network. At first I couldn’t stop thinking how much those people hated me and were disappointed in me.

But a new thought emerged as well.

I realized how much better I was taking care of myself, how I showed up for myself, and started catering to my own desires and needs. That was a beautiful moment to witness. It gave me power, strength, internal respect for myself.

This is the gift you can give yourself for doing this kind of work.

I eventually changed who I was at the core and this led me to start attracting different types of people that were:

• Less needy

• More self-reliant

• People who Actually cared about me because they had their shit together

• And Didn’t just ask for favors, they reciprocated as well

You may feel bad for someone who doesn’t have their life together but the truth is, it’s on them to step up to the plate and begin to get what they need. If they refuse to budge and want to drag you down with them, that’s not healthy. It just destroys both of you.

If you’re struggling with a specific situation and would like my input, I welcome that in the comments. If the situation is too private, you can send me a DM. I’m confident I’ll be able to give you an appropriate direction to move in.

THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.

I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!

A happy week to you all!

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