Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy . Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
Ep 14: "I'm Always SO Hard On Myself"
"It’s just because I’m a perfectionist."
Mary said to John over dinner one night, casually brushing her hair behind her ear as if that explained everything.
John looked up from his plate. “You say that like it’s just a personality trait. Like being left-handed.”
She let out a light laugh, trying to play it off. “Well... it kind of is. I’ve always been that way. I like things done well. It’s just how I operate.”
But John didn’t move on like most people. He paused, tilting his head just slightly. “Okay, but why? Like… where do you think that comes from?”
Her smile faltered.
She reached for her water, buying herself time. The question was simple, but it landed heavy.
“I don’t know,” she said, staring at her glass. “I guess I just hate making mistakes.”
John didn’t flinch. “Do you hate mistakes? Or do you hate what happens after you make one?”
She blinked, caught off guard. The difference struck something in her.
“I guess I hate the feeling that I’ve disappointed someone,” she said slowly. “Or that I’ll be seen differently. Less capable. Less... good.”
She paused, surprised by her own words. It was like a tiny crack in a wall she didn’t realize she’d built.
“When I was little,” she continued, “my dad would get really quiet when I messed up. Not angry—just disappointed. It was worse than yelling. It felt like I had shrunk in his eyes.”
She stared down at her plate, the memories surfacing now, vivid and uninvited. “I used to rehearse every piano piece ten times before I let him hear it. I didn’t want to give him a reason to be disappointed.”
John didn’t interrupt. Instead he placed his hand on her shoulder in support.
“I think somewhere along the way,” she said, “I decided that being perfect was how I earned love. Or at least, how I avoided losing it.”
Her voice softened. “It’s exhausting, you know? This constant measuring, fixing, striving. It’s like I don’t even know what enough feels like.”
John slid his hand down her arm and took her hand. “Maybe enough starts with giving yourself permission to not be perfect. To be human.”
She looked at him, eyes a little glassy now. And for a moment, she just breathed.
Here’s the truth: most of us don’t call ourselves perfectionists because we love excellence. We call ourselves that because we’re afraid. Afraid of letting people down. Afraid of not being good enough. Afraid that if we stop pushing, everything will fall apart—including the approval we’ve worked so hard to earn.
We don’t become hard on ourselves out of nowhere. We learn it. Usually young. Usually in silence.
But we can unlearn it too.
And maybe, like Mary, that starts by asking a new question. Not “How do I stop being a perfectionist?”
But “What am I trying to protect?”
“Who am I trying to keep loving me?”
And…
“What would it feel like to just be enough?”
So what can we take from Mary’s story?
Being hard on yourself isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a pattern. One that was probably born in moments when you felt like love, acceptance, or safety was conditional—tied to your performance, your behavior, or your ability to avoid mistakes.
We tell ourselves we’re just “perfectionists,” but that’s often a cover for something deeper. But if we peel it back, being hard on yourself usually isn’t about wanting to be great—
It’s about wanting to be okay.
To belong.
To not be rejected.
And that inner pressure? It’s trying to protect you.
But the truth is: being hard on yourself won’t keep you safe forever. It just keeps you stuck.
If you’ve been carrying that weight for a long time, it might be time to ask yourself what’s really underneath it.
Here are just a few deeper reasons why you may always be hard on yourself:
You equate mistakes with losing love. Somewhere along the way, love started to feel conditional.
You fear being seen as a burden. So you over-function, over-deliver, and rarely ask for help.
You were praised for your achievements, not your being. So you learned to attach your worth to what you do, not who you are.
You grew up around criticism or emotional withdrawal. Now, you criticize yourself first—trying to stay “in control” of the pain. (this is my main one by the way, I struggled a lot with this)
You believe putting pressure on yourself is the only way to succeed. Because without it, you fear you’ll become lazy—or worse, unlovable.
But here's the truth:
Your worth isn’t something that you have to prove.
You don’t have to suffer your way into being worthy.
Self-compassion doesn’t make you weak—it makes you free.
So the next time you catch yourself being hard on yourself, pause and ask:
What am I trying to protect?
What do I need right now that I didn’t get back then?
And maybe, just maybe, start giving that to yourself instead.
Forgiveness is a great milestone to reach here, especially when you are giving yourself that as a gift.
You’re Not Alone. So Many People Struggle With This Silently
I work with clients on these types of struggles all the time to help them illuminate blind spots they aren’t noticing.
Whether it’s perfectionism, people-pleasing, or constantly second-guessing yourself in relationships—it’s rarely just about the present moment. Most of the time, these patterns are echoes from the past.
Through my relationship coaching, we get underneath the surface—beyond the habits and reactions—to find the real story driving your behavior. I use tools like Human Design to help you understand how you’re wired, and together, we untangle the beliefs and emotional patterns that are keeping you stuck.
So if you’re tired of being hard on yourself...
If you’re ready to feel more secure in your relationships, more confident in your decisions, and more at peace within yourself—this is the work.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to support you. You can learn more about coaching with me by sending me a quick message! If it matters to you, it matters to me. I’m here for you.
Thanks for tuning into this episode, I hope this information was helpful for you! If you’d like to share a unique situation you’re in, I welcome that in the comments! We learn by sharing our stories.
Be sure to tune in every Monday where I’ll be talking about a different problem that is common in relationships and how to go about solving it.
Have a problem you want me to write about? Let me know in the comments or DM me and I may do an episode on it!
Thanks again for reading and have a wonderful week everyone!
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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