Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
EP 17: The Danger of Waiting for Someone Else to Change
I’d like to start this podcast episode off by letting you know that I have spent years, decades even exploring this concept and for the majority of that time, I’ve found myself right in the quicksand resisting what my gut was always telling me—and just “hoping” for some sort of automatic change.
I’ve explored all different types of relationships with people of all ages including: Friends, Family, Coworkers, you name it. And I’ve noticed a few common things in all these connections that I’d like to share with you.
I want to go over these one by one with you. We’ll explore why it seems like these strategies may work, but there’s also an underlying reason why they also may not produce the result we’re looking for.
My hope is that breaking down these common scenarios will help you look at things differently, which will lead to a change in how you approach things. This will not only give you the best chance to succeed in helping someone change who is ready, but it will also give you permission to let go and move on if that’s really what you need to take care of yourself. Let’s start with number 1.
People rarely change on their own unless an event happens in their lives that really breaks them—and even then sometimes they still resist change.
I see this pattern in a lot of different relationships but there is one family member who comes to mind. He had a very difficult childhood, never met his father and was without a male role model growing up. He also had a mother who was an addict and “unavailable” most times. This created great difficulty for him growing up and he turned to drugs as a coping mechanism. Even though heavy experiences happened to him such as: losing members in his close circle due to addiction and living on the street after being kicked out of his apartment and fired from his job due to drug usage, he still did not accept help from anyone or ever express interest in change. The takeaway here is that sometimes, people will resist change at all costs, no matter what happens to them. If you happen to be connected to someone like this, it’s important to step back for a moment and ask yourself the following questions:
Have they ever expressed interest in changing any of their habits or behaviors?
Have I had a calm discussion with them explaining how their habits / behaviors affect myself and others? If yes, how did they respond to it? If no, this is a great step to try when you feel you’re ready
Am I able to accept who they are if they don’t decide to change or is this a dealbreaker?
It’s important to be able to explore these questions from a place that doesn’t identify you as a victim. When you step outside that box, you’ll be able to think and process things more clearly, instead of being emotionally charged, with the primary focus on your own suffering being relieved by changes they could make. Answering these questions authentically will help you make the correct decision moving forward with this relationship.
No matter how skilled we may think we are, we cannot force someone else to change by: making threats and creating ultimatums such as the example “Well if I was good enough for you or if you loved me enough, you would change”
A connection comes to mind in my life where I remember trying to help someone through a difficult emotional time while they were suffering from choosing the wrong partners as they searched for the right partner to complement them.
I devoted just about a decade of my time talking this person through different scenarios of why the partners they were choosing were not working out for them over the years.
The frustrating thing was that they made very little progress over those 10 years, if any. I couldn’t understand why at first and then it hit me.
They were not really taking in what I was saying and sometimes I noticed they weren’t listening altogether.
Their attention was distracted with other thoughts, anxieties, etc. This was a great lesson for me to realize that although people may continue to talk about their problems, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready for change.
Most times they’re just looking for an instant fix, and those show up about as often as your chances for winning the lottery.
At first, I took things very personally in thinking: “This person doesn’t value my time, or they don’t trust my advice. Perhaps they don’t care about me enough or trust me enough to try what I’m saying”.
I learned that it almost always has nothing to do with me and everything to do with their own fears and limiting beliefs. Which brought me to the conclusion: You can’t force someone to change or act no matter how skilled you may be. When you’re in a similar situation it’s important to ask the following questions.
Is this person actually ready for change? Have they expressed that?
- This is a great piece of info because it tells you if your time is going to be “wasted” or respected. In the above example, I chose to give my time repeatedly to this person even though they were not ready for action. Guard who you give your time to wisely, it shows great respect for yourself.
The next one is:
Does it seem like they want to actually fix the problem? Or do they just want to vent and ruminate over it?
- Ah yes the famous energy vampires. If you notice someone complaining about the same thing over and over but not actively searching for solutions, this is the category they will fall into. Be mindful of this because you’ll be burning unnecessary energy by trying to help them over and over again. It’s best to take a step back in these situations and let them take full responsibility for what they are feeling, until they express the willingness to do something about it. Remember it’s not your responsibility to take on the weight of their lives or fix them. This is their responsibility, and they are responsible ultimately for fixing themselves. It’s ok to back off and preserve your sense of well-being, especially if your energy is not being respected.
Oftentimes we may assume that the other person always “wants” to change because they may be stuck in a bad place, or bad habit and we feel that no one would want to be in that situation.
Logistically, this is a very valid point and I can understand why most people may wonder this. The thing is though, they truly may be experiencing a high degree of suffering. But if we put ourselves in their shoes for a moment, we can realize that the fear of stepping into the unknown carries the illusion of even greater suffering than the current situation being experienced. In this person’s case, their mind is telling them “The Devil you know, is better than the Devil you don’t”. At least in this uncomfortable place, they know what to expect. The fear behind stepping out of that comfortable box is even more terrifying than the torture inside it. What would happen if they did fix the issue? What would be expected of them then? Would they become stressed out with having to handle even more responsibility? Oftentimes, our minds direct us right to these pain points, instead of focusing on all the incredible things that will come from a change like this. If we were able to switch our minds over to realize the benefits, we would quickly realize these benefits would greatly outweigh the fears, and the change would be easier to accept, inviting even.
Over the years, I’ve watched countless family members battle addiction with different substances and medications. Most of them passed earlier in life due to their choices and none of them ever asked for help. Perhaps they didn’t want to change, or appear weak in asking someone else for assistance. After all, an addiction becomes even more shameful when it’s recognized by others and not a secret within us.
I remember my Dad looking for support while going through difficulty in his marriage and he confided in a friend by telling him he was going to group therapy sessions. His friend looked at him, almost offended by what he said. “Why are you doing that? You don’t need therapy. Just get yourself together and handle it on your own”
Get yourself together? Handle it on your own you say? Interesting comment coming from his friend because he was doing everything but that in his own life. This friend was using uppers and downers throughout the entire day to regulate his emotions, was obese due to the imbalance this was causing within his body, and actually had no idea what it even meant to “get yourself together and just handle it”. He wasn’t handling everything but rather, burying it all.
This friend ended up passing earlier in life from these addictive habits. Never expressed interest in changing, never thought there was a problem. The takeaway here? Don’t think for a second that everything is obvious to everyone. Some people are so trapped within their own minds and behaviors, they aren’t able to look at things from the outside and see what is happening.
A Question to ask yourself when someone is deep within the confines of addiction.
Is this person aware of their bad habits and what it’s doing to them? Can they admit it?
If not, they’re not ready for change. We may not like that… but if we don’t respect that it’s their life and their choice, it will continue to cause us unnecessary harm, and most of that harm won’t even be recognized by the person you care about.
The takeaway here is that if you’re struggling with someone in your life who is causing pain to you, themself, and others, it’s important to recognize
If they are aware of the harm they are causing
If they want to change and are ready to try a new path
If they respect your time and energy in trying to help them
What do you do when you feel like you’ve tried talking about it, giving them space, and putting your best energy forward to help them but still see no change?
As unpopular as this solution might be, more often than not, this is the time to back-off, regardless of how important this person is in your life. As much as we want to think we can change people, there is an overwhelming amount of evidence that suggests otherwise and most times, we’re just making the hole deeper by trying.
Something to recognize is that this is the way this person is choosing to live their life. It is their life to live and they have the full autonomy to do that?
Oftentimes, we want to change people in the first place so we ourselves don’t have to make a change.
Interesting irony in that isn’t there? Even though we care about them deeply, we want them to change so it makes our lives easier and makes us feel better when we’re around them.
If you’re stuck in a situation that keeps repeating itself to no avail, I’m here to give you permission to walk away. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or family. My opinion is that you shouldn’t have to suffer at the expense of someone else, especially if that suffering is not bringing about anything positive. You can always walk away, or distance yourself temporarily to give them time to reflect on why you’ve made the choice you have. If you don’t want to walk away, you can set boundaries to protect your peace which will allow you to still have a connection with them and not be tormented by it.
These suggestions still may not evoke change in them, but what they will do is slowly begin to give you piece of mind. Over time, you will see more and more that people’s decisions really are their own and that you will not be able to save everyone. The sadness surrounding this realization leaves once we being to understand that it’s simply a part of the game of life we’re all playing.
A good question to ask is: Why suffer over something that can’t go your way, simply because the law of life isn’t shaped that way.
It would be like getting mad every time it rains, even though we’re all well aware that we can’t control that. In that example, if you live in a place where it rains all the time, and you dislike that weather pattern, you can change your environment and relocate to a sunnier location. Even if you think your job or something else is trapping you in that “environment” I promise you, nothing keeps us anywhere unless we allow it.
I appreciate you joining me today and if you got something useful out of this episode, please hit “like” as it makes all the difference in making this more accessible to others who need to hear this info. The simple click of a button can make all the difference and I greatly appreciate it.
Lastly, these episodes go a long way in helping people resolve their problems but sometimes, we need a deeper level of support, which is why I’m always willing to work with you 1:1 to tackle your relationship problems. If you feel you need more support and guidance, my door is always open. Send me a message and let’s work together.
Thanks for tuning into this episode, I hope this information was helpful for you! If you’d like to share a unique situation you’re in, I welcome that in the comments! We learn by sharing our stories.
Be sure to tune in every Monday where I’ll be talking about a different problem that is common in relationships and how to go about solving it.
Have a problem you want me to write about? Let me know in the comments or DM me and I may do an episode on it!
Thanks again for reading and have a wonderful week everyone!
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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