Welcome to The Relationships With A Soul Podcast
Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy. Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
EP 16: Why Don’t They Just Say What They Mean?
Here is the unshakeable reality.
Everyone wants honesty in their relationships.
But not everyone gives it back.
As someone who pretty much questions everything nowadays, the first thought that comes to my mind here is:
Why do people expect things that they themselves cannot give?
The truth is that people value honesty because to them, honesty = certainty. We love to be certain about things in life. It helps us feel more comfortable about our life situation and our relationships.
Honesty helps us understand what’s really going on in front of us. Which means that a lack of honesty is going to create the opposite feeling:
Uncertainty.
Uncertainty is one of those things that is absolutely terrifying for people. We see it all the time in the news + investment markets. It drives people absolutely crazy.
But what about in relationships?
Yes, in fact the same thing happens. When we feel we don’t understand the person on the other side of the relationship, it rocks the boat for sure.
This isn’t just related to partnerships, this goes across all relationships.
In this episode we’re going to get to the bottom of why most people don’t say what they mean.
Once you understand the framework behind this, you’ll be able to work with people on the other side of your relationships to make them feel more comfortable about being honest with you.
This isn’t a guarantee that they will do it, since we don’t have the ability to control people. But what it will do is make you feel confident that you’ve taken the right steps to know if the person on the other end of the relationship CAN be honest and is willing to work with you on it.
Let’s dive in.
Why They Don’t Tell The Truth
Most people tend to hide the truth about what’s really going on inside due to:
Fear of rejection
Fear of conflict
Fear of being misunderstood
Trying to protect the relationship by not sharing “bad news”, which usually results in hurting the relationship more.
Not being able to understand and identify the exact emotions they’re feeling
The thing is: People behavior in this way, not because they’re trying to deceive you, they’re actually just protecting themselves.
Most likely, they developed these fears earlier on during their childhood.
When we dig a little deeper, we realize that most people grew up in families where direct emotional expression wasn’t encouraged—in fact, it could have even been punished. Since these types of people were not encouraged to learn these behaviors early on, they are highly likely to develop a more guarded approach and indirect way of expressing themselves later in life.
In the past, I remember more than a few scenarios where I had a problem and sought out advice from someone else. However, when I went to explain what was going on, I would tell them just enough to get a solution out of them, hiding the more detailed story. This is exactly the form of indirect communication I’m talking about. I was one of the people who grew up in a household where expressing your feelings brought about a lack of empathy and frustration from my parents.
After realizing my behaviors from doing inner work and healing, I recognized my patterns and have been able to become more vulnerable over time with sharing stories.
Luckily, if you have a similar connection with someone who is not yet self-aware, there are some things you can do to help guide them to that place.
First, I would recommend having some compassion for where they are at due to the past situations they experienced growing up that have caused them to put up these blocks.
Once you find yourself in a state of compassion, I recommend trying the following:
How To Support Someone In Their Journey To Becoming More Honest
Start With Self-Reflection
Before addressing the other person, take a moment to turn inward. Ask yourself: Do I tend to get defensive when I hear hard truths? Have I reacted strongly in the past when someone was vulnerable with me? Do I truly listen, or do I tend to jump into advice or fixing mode? Sometimes, the emotional climate we unintentionally create makes it harder for people to be real with us. Creating psychological safety starts by being honest with yourself about how you show up in conversations.
Focus on Safety, Not Pressure
Pushing someone to "just be honest" can actually backfire. Vulnerability can't be forced—it can only be invited. Try saying something like: "I really value honesty, even when it's uncomfortable. I know it can be hard to share what's real, especially if you're not sure how the other person will take it. I just want you to know you don't have to filter anything with me." This kind of statement opens the door gently, without making the other person feel backed into a corner.
Listen Without Fixing
One of the fastest ways to shut someone down is to respond to their truth with correction, solutions, or minimizing: "It's not that bad." "You're just overthinking it." "You should've just said something!" Instead, when someone does start to open up—even a little—meet them with calm presence. A simple: "Thank you for telling me that. It means a lot that you trust me enough to be real," can go further than any piece of advice.
Lead With Vulnerability
If someone's struggling to be honest, it might be because they're afraid of being the "only one" with hard stuff to share. That fear of judgment is real. One of the best ways to make honesty contagious is to model it. Share your own thoughts, doubts, or emotions first—especially the imperfect ones: "I've been feeling a little unsure about where we stand lately, and I didn't want to just assume anything. I'd rather be honest about it than stay in my head." Your courage gives them permission to do the same.
Give Them Space to Process
Not everyone communicates their truth on demand. Some people need time to gather their thoughts, reflect, and feel safe enough to speak up. That doesn't mean they're being evasive—it may mean they're being careful. If you notice a pattern of avoidance, you can gently name it without judgment: "Sometimes it feels like there's something unspoken between us. I just want you to know I'm open to hearing whatever it is, even if it's hard." You're not pushing—they'll feel that. You're simply making space.
And If They Still Can't Be Honest…
At a certain point, you have to acknowledge this truth: You can't build emotional intimacy with someone who refuses to show up emotionally. If you've created safety, shown patience, led with vulnerability, and they still avoid truth—it may be a sign that their level of emotional availability doesn't align with yours. And that's worth honoring. Not because they're a bad person. But because real connection requires two people willing to show up honestly, even when it's hard.
The Takeaway
When someone isn't being honest with you, it's tempting to take it personally. But often, it has nothing to do with you—and everything to do with what honesty has cost them in the past. Your job isn't to pull the truth out of them. Your job is to create a space where the truth feels welcome. And if they rise to meet you there? That's where real, soul-level connection begins.
Thanks for tuning into this episode, I hope this information was helpful for you! If you’d like to share a unique situation you’re in, I welcome that in the comments! We learn by sharing our stories.
Be sure to tune in every Monday where I’ll be talking about a different problem that is common in relationships and how to go about solving it.
Have a problem you want me to write about? Let me know in the comments or DM me and I may do an episode on it!
Thanks again for reading and have a wonderful week everyone!
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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