Welcome to The Behavior Blueprint Podcast!
Every Monday, I do a deep dive on a common relationship problem that more than likely, we’ve all experienced at one point or another. And some of us, are actively in these situations right now, which makes these episodes great support systems for you as you push through this problem and arrive on the other side. From observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen a lot of the same relationship problems come up again and again. Those will be the ma in ones that we focus on here.
It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with ALL your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy . Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!
EP 13: "Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people?"
It’s a painful cycle—feeling drawn to people who seem perfect on the surface but, over time, reveal a pattern of emotional distance. Whether it’s a partner who’s hard to reach, a friend who never truly shows up, a family member who dismisses feelings, or a coworker who keeps things strictly surface-level, the ache of disconnection is real. There’s a quiet frustration that builds, a question that lingers: Why does this keep happening?
Maybe it f eels easier to excuse inconsistent behavior, convincing yourself that patience or understanding will eventually bridge the gap. Or perhaps there's an unspoken belief that love, respect, and acceptance are things that need to be earned. It’s easy to internalize the blame—wondering if something is wrong or if genuine, fulfilling connections are simply out of reach.
But these patterns often trace back to deep, unexamined beliefs about worth, love, and what relationships are supposed to look like. When these old stories go unchecked, they shape how connection is sought and received, creating invisible barriers that keep true intimacy and understanding at arm’s length. The good news is, these patterns can be identified, understood, and released—clearing the path for relationships that feel supportive, authentic, and deeply meaningful.
In this episode, we’re going to break this down completely from start to finish by unpacking the following:
Why emotionally unavailable relationships keep showing up in your life—understanding the subconscious beliefs and patterns driving these connections.
How early experiences, unspoken beliefs, and self-worth issues influence who you attract and why it feels familiar, even if it’s unfulfilling.
Practical steps to recognize red flags, set boundaries, and attract emotionally available connections in all areas of life.
How understanding your Human Design can help you align with healthy, supportive relationships by making decisions that feel right for you.
The Root Cause: How Did This All Happen Anyway?
It’s easy to think the problem is just bad luck or that you keep picking the wrong people. But the truth is, patterns don’t repeat themselves by accident—there’s always something deeper going on beneath the surface. When emotionally unavailable relationships keep showing up in your life, it often stems from subconscious beliefs and unspoken narratives that have been running the show for years.
Maybe there’s a part of you that equates love with struggle—where proving your worth feels like a requirement for connection. Or perhaps you’ve learned to tolerate inconsistency, believing it’s better to settle than be alone. These beliefs are usually shaped long before we’re even aware of them—often rooted in childhood dynamics, past heartbreaks, or even generational patterns we never questioned.
It’s not about blaming yourself or others—it’s about recognizing these patterns so you can finally break free from them. Because the truth is, until you uncover what’s driving the cycle, you’ll keep attracting the same unfulfilling connections, wondering why real intimacy feels so out of reach.
My Story Summary And Experience With This
I can safely say that I spent way too long trapped in this perpetual cycle—in fact, it was decades.
What kept me trapped exactly?
Taking the blame and responsibility off myself and placing it on other people and situations. There was a time when I thought that everything I was doing was “right”. That I was worthy of strong connections and capable of adding immense value in strong relationships. Throughout the years, I even received countless compliments from my network that I was “such a good guy” or “really fun to hang out with”. I was told that if I could just “be myself” that the right people would find me.
The problem?
I never took a crash course to understand just what being yourself meant.
I thought I was behaving that way…
But things weren’t panning out.
A closer look revealed something completely different.
What was happening was I found myself repeatedly getting caught up in addressing and fixing the needs of emotionally unavailable people who were only interested in getting their needs met. They didn’t really care about my well-being or attempt to reciprocate adding value to the relationship.
I was trying to prove my worth to these people by fixing their issues and catering to their needs but there was a deeper issue I didn’t realize…
I was not being myself.. I was becoming the person that was needed to “satisfy” these people. I wanted more compliments and less criticisms.
The problem was, I didn’t really want to solve their problems all day, I just wanted the self-esteem boost.
Looking back on why this happened, I remembered I wasn’t popular in school and often bullied. I constantly felt like I had to prove my worth around my peers because I never felt they desired to be in my company.
I also remembered that my parents both worked full-time while growing up and I only saw them in the early morning and evenings. This left a small window to earn their affection, tell them about all the progress I was making daily, and show them the young man I was evolving into. But we never could have emotional conversations because my parents weren’t emotionally available. I can’t say it’s really their fault because their parents weren’t either.
We can’t teach something we don’t know.
Because of our short time window together, I never felt truly seen by my parents and even to this day, I’ve heard them say here and there that they know “exactly who I am” but the truth is, they really only know the surface at best.
Why is that?
They never asked me questions to try to get to know me. I also never got to know them beyond the “parent role” They would talk about their work day briefly, and hid the rest even into my adulthood. I know I would have felt compelled to reflect on my identity more as a child had they asked me questions like:
What does being “you” mean to you?
If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
What’s something you wish more people understood about you?
It was especially hard for me to come to the conclusion that my parents were emotionally unavailable while I was growing up because they acted as if they were. I do believe that they wanted to be there for me in that way, they just didn’t know how.
Our Early Lives Tell Us What Part Of The Puzzle Needs Filling In
We don’t often realize that our childhood is the most important part of our lives. It’s where we experience all our first impressions with people, society, and our environment.
There’s also a very strong urge to express ourselves, but there’s an even stronger desire to be accepted. Oftentimes, our desire to be accepted overtakes our desire for original creative expression, which is when we begin to drift away from ourselves.
Before you know it.. You’re not even yourself anymore. You have become who everyone else wants and expects you to be. This can happen very early on in childhood and this is exactly what happened in my life.
Once you craft a false identity such as this, you will not be able to attract the right people for you because you’ll be focused on attracting people to fill a deeper need within you. We often see that this deeper need is something that we didn’t receive during our childhood.
The good news?
Once you do some digging into your past and realize why you have been covering up the real you, not only will you begin to remember who you truly are, when you start to express yourself authentically you will begin to attract others who not only desire the same things, but they’ll reciprocate in the ways you need while also respecting your boundaries.
Remember, everyone is going to have a different story here so it’s important for you to analyze your own. You can use my story above as a starting point for brainstorming.
How Early Life Habits Keep Us Stuck
Once the cycle starts, it can feel impossible to break. Emotionally unavailable relationships can become a comfortable discomfort—a familiar pattern that feels safer than the unknown. Maybe it looks like always being the one to chase or convincing yourself that their warm and cold behavior is just a sign you need to try harder. It’s exhausting, but part of you believes it’s normal.
These patterns can be sneaky. They disguise themselves as "having high standards" or "not settling," but in reality, they’re often tied to deeper fears—fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, or even fear of true intimacy. And because these beliefs operate quietly in the background, they influence the type of relationships you attract and tolerate.
You might find yourself excusing red flags or settling for crumbs of affection because deep down, a part of you believes this is all you can get—or all you deserve. The longer the cycle goes on, the more it reinforces the belief that love is supposed to be complicated or out of reach. But the truth is, real connection doesn’t feel like a constant uphill battle.
How To Shift Patterns And Attract Emotionally Available People
Understanding the root cause of emotional unavailability is powerful, but change happens when you start making intentional shifts. This begins with setting clear boundaries, redefining what healthy relationships look like, and doing the inner work to align your beliefs with your desires. It means identifying patterns that no longer serve you, challenging limiting beliefs about love and connection, and embracing a new standard for how you want to be treated. I’ll share practical tools and mindset shifts that help you stop settling for less and start attracting relationships where you feel valued, seen, and emotionally fulfilled. It’s time to stop chasing what isn’t working and start choosing.
Living Aligned = Attracting Aligned Relationships
Once you’ve recognized your patterns and started making intentional changes, it’s time to step into a new way of relating—one rooted in confidence, authenticity, and self-worth. We’ll talk about how to embody the energy of healthy, fulfilling relationships, including actionable ways to show up differently in all areas of your life. This isn’t just about attracting the right people but becoming the person who naturally draws in genuine, emotionally available connections. It’s about feeling deeply seen and appreciated—first by yourself, and then by others. A wonderful tool I’ve come across that I use daily for myself as well as when working with clients is Human Design. Human Design is a wonderful system that takes the guessing work out of what you need and actually shows you how to live and what to work on. It’s an ongoing experimental way of living that has completely revolutionized my life and left my clients with jaw dropping progress. You can learn more about it by clicking the link above.
Summary and Key Takeaways
Breaking the cycle of attracting emotionally unavailable people isn’t just about avoiding the wrong relationships—it’s about transforming the relationship you have with yourself. When you:
Recognize your patterns
Heal your wounds
Embrace authentic connection
you step into a space where true intimacy becomes possible. This journey isn’t easy, but it’s deeply rewarding. The more you align with who you really are, the more you’ll naturally attract people who see, value, and love you for exactly that. Real connection begins when you decide you deserve it—starting with yourself.
Thanks for tuning into this episode, I hope this information was helpful for you! If you’d like to share a unique situation you’re in, I welcome that in the comments! We learn by sharing our stories.
Be sure to tune in every Monday where I’ll be talking about a different problem that is common in relationships and how to go about solving it.
Have a problem you want me to write about? Let me know in the comments or DM me and I may do an episode on it!
Thanks again for reading and have a wonderful week everyone!
THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.
I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!
A happy week to you all!
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