Episode 11: "Why do I always have to do everything?"

Welcome to The Behavior Blueprint Podcast!

If you’ve tuned in before, you’ll notice that we changed the name of the podcast from Motivation Monday to TBB Podcast. I’ve decided to take this podcast in a different direction, where each week, we’ll focus on a common relationship problem that more than likely, I’ve experienced at one point or another in my life. But also, from observing human behavior over the last 15 years, I’ve seen the same problems come up again and again. Those will be the main ones that we focus on here.

Each week, you can expect a new problem that is likely to turn up in our relationships at some point, and some advice from personal experience on how to deal with it. It is my goal that these episodes help you understand yourself better, as well as your relationships. Armed with this new info, you’ll be able to create stronger relationship dynamics with all your connections. Trust me, strong connections are worth more than anything money can buy . Once you understand the magic of just one of these connections, you’ll become obsessed. Now let’s get into today’s episode!

Episode 11: "Why do I always have to do everything?"

This is such a common feeling to come across, and is usually only felt by one side of the relationship at a time.

If you’re feeling this way often, it means that you’re probably burnt out from overexerting yourself, or you’ve elected to take on the majority of the responsibilities because you either feel that you do them the best, or you “have to” do them because no one else will.

Feeling this way is difficult because the other person oftentimes won’t even know that you feel that way. You may get snappy with them at times because of your inner frustration, and they will usually just assume you’re having a bad day or mood swings that will pass. But we all know that’s not the truth.

At this time, a discussion needs to be had, but in the proper way. You need to be able and willing to communicate your feelings to the other person in the relationship, whether it is a friend, partner, family member, or coworker.

The best way to enter communication with this person is from an angle that does not “blame them” for the reason why you feel this way. Simply put the blame on the fact that your body has been sharing some feelings with you recently that tell you that something needs to be changed.

First Step

Before the conversation is had, you want to try to isolate the thing(s) that are causing you to feel this way. What kinds of things are you doing that feel like they’re too much?

Here’s an example of how something like this could look.

You’re in a relationship with a partner and you’re the primary person making dinner every night. You have become aware that this action is stirring up some irritability and resentment. It makes you feel underappreciated and unloved because your partner hasn’t offered to help you with this task in some way. Perhaps they’ve taken it for granted or they’re lazy. The question is: Are they just going to realize this on their own and change like you hope they would? Almost certainty not. People are not mind readers and that’s why communication is so important.

Second Step

So now that you’ve isolated what thing(s) are making you feel this type of friction, you can now sit down with your partner and attempt a healthy conversation. It could go something like this but the main reason is not to pinpoint any blame on the other person. In fact, you must learn to own how you feel at all times because you’re the one creating those experiences for yourself at the root level. Let’s dive into this conversation between Jenny and Phil, where Jenny is the one always doing everything.

Jenny: Hey Phil, do you mind if we set aside some time to talk? I’d like to share something with you. When would be a good time for you?

What you’re doing with this question is you’re allowing the other person to pick a time where they aren’t overwhelmed. You’re also giving them a heads up that there’s something on your mind but no blame has been put on the other person.

Phil: Oh no. Was it something I did?

Jenny: No, this is not your fault, I just want to share something with you when you have a moment. When would be a good time?

Phil: Well, I’ve got some work to finish up but we could sit down at 4pm?

Once you have picked a time that works for everyone here’s what could come next

Jenny: I appreciate you being willing to talk with me about this. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed for the past (insert time period) and I’ve noticed that it tends to happen when I’m making dinner every night. I think I’ve been taking on too much recently

more often than not, if the other person is in a fairly good place, they’ll offer some sort of solution at this point, but if they don’t, don’t be afraid to ask for it

Jenny: You know, what I think might help is if perhaps some nights you could help me cook with some help prepping, or some help with cleanup afterwards. I think that would take some of the weight off for me and would be a huge help. I also think it would be fun to cook with you sometimes.

Notice what has happened here. Still , no one has been blamed, Jenny has successfully communicated her feelings, asked for help, and shown gratitude in advance for the help which will make the other person more likely to help because they will feel appreciated.

What happens if the person on the other end of the relationship is incredibly difficult to deal with?

In more difficult situations where the person seems disagreeable no matter what, you want to focus on the following when trying to communicate with them:

• Always speak softly and never raise your voice

• Continue asking them questions, mostly geared at why they are responding in that particular way. Try to learn what is causing them to behave this way.

• Always include them in on a potential resolution. Ask them how they would recommend fixing the problem.

• Always be willing to work with the other person so that you both understand each other. Good communication is essential

• If things get heated, calmly offer to take a break from the discussion and agree to revisit it at another time once things have cooled off a bit

• Do your absolute best to not play the victim card or act like a victim. This is often the mistake that most people make when they let their ego take over.

Remember: The whole point of all of this is to resolve the problem in a healthy way that doesn’t put your connection with the other person in jeopardy

Also take into account that you cannot force anyone to do anything. I recommend reading that one more time. If you try to resolve things in a healthy manner and the other person isn’t willing to play ball, you can try different avenues to get them to change and even ask them how they would resolve the issue. If they keep putting the blame and responsibility back on you, that’s a clear sign that this connection is heading in the direction of a one-sided relationship. At this point, I would recommend professional counseling, coaching, or therapy either with the person or solo.

(If you’d like to work with me on a particular issue in your life, feel free to message me to see how I can help you)

If these measures don’t work, you may want to consider moving on from the relationship to preserve your mental health and open up some space to find the connection that you truly desire. Again, you can’t change people, you can only try your best to communicate with them in the healthiest way possible to foster change. If that doesn’t work, letting go to create space for a healthier connection should be a choice that’s now on the table.

Communication is Paramount

The power of words is absolutely incredible. How you shape your words to communicate your feelings is a skill that I would recommend focusing on because not only will you become an incredible communicator, but you’ll be able to make yourself feel better, make others feel better, and you will be much more likely to get the things you want in life if you know how to use this skill to your advantage. It’s one of the best skills I’ve added to my tool belt in this lifetime and although it took many years, I know how to teach this concept much faster than that now. If you’d be interested in joining a group that focuses on effective communication strategies and how to best use words appropriately with people, let me know in the comments. If there’s enough interest, I’ll create it.

One Final Thought For You

I used to think that just because I had the energy to do something that this meant that anyone could engage in the same thing, at the same pace. Unfortunately, this is just not the case and after meeting people all over the world, I’ve discovered all our energy levels are just different.

What does this mean?

It means that some people just won’t have as much energy as you to do the things you do or keep up.

This should make you feel good in a way because you recognize that your energy levels are a superpower and you may have actually been built to “do more”

Armed with this newfound knowledge, instead of seeing yourself as a victim for “having to do it all”, you have the choice to view this as a gift that you can offer the world. I guarantee that there are some people out there who envy the energizer bunny energy that accompanies you and they wish they had that for themselves. If you’re in a relationship where you do more than the person on the other side, but you still recognize that they add value and substance to the relationship, there may not be as big of a problem as you think.

In this scenario, you and the other person are delegating certain roles within the relationship.

Going back to Jenny and Phil, if Jenny has more energy than Phil, she could be the primary doer, but Phil could do a great job at guiding and supporting the relationship on his end so that things stay organized and grounded. Every action can benefit from a plan that focuses on doing things efficiently.

To put it simply:

There is more than one way to “make things happen” and it doesn’t always have to be done by the person who has the most energy. Working together is key. Especially when each person focuses on their strengths and what they’re good at in the relationship.

Thanks for tuning into this episode, I hope this information was helpful for you! If you’d like to share a unique situation you’re in, I welcome that in the comments! We learn by sharing our stories.

Be sure to tune in every Monday where I’ll be talking about a different problem that is common in relationships and how to go about solving it.

Have a problem you want me to write about? Let me know in the comments or DM me and I may do an episode on it!

Thanks again for reading and have a wonderful week everyone!

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THANK YOU for tuning in, supporting my work, and taking this journey with me to becoming a better you. Self-Growth is one of the best things we can gift ourselves with in this lifetime and I am honored that you recognize this podcast can and will help you do just that. Please feel free to leave a comment on what you thought of this episode. You’re welcome to share any struggles that you’re going through of clarification needed to better understand the episode. I respond to all comments and care about your opinions and experiences.

I’ll see you all next Monday where we will explore another common relationship problem and how to best approach it!

A happy week to you all!

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